爱华网伍迪·艾伦的那些俏皮话，大师也爱冷笑话!
「关于性爱」
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
我的感情生活非常糟糕，我最后一次进入一个女人的身体是参观自由女神像。
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
我和我的老婆唯一一次同时获得高潮，是在法官签署离婚文件时。
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.
性和死亡的区别在于，死亡你可以独立完成，而且没有人会取笑你。
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
做爱就像是玩桥牌。如果你的搭档不怎么样，你最好还是依靠自己的双手吧。
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
玩双性恋可以立刻让你周六晚的约会机会翻倍。
Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.
不要诋毁撸;撸是我与自己的真爱之间发生的关系。
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
性减轻压力，爱情则相反。aIhUaU.com/zl/转载请保留
Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
爱是答案。可是当你在等答案的时候，性会提出几个很好的问题。
「伍迪艾伦的哲学」
Can we actually ‘know’ the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
我们能够确切的了解宇宙吗?我的天呐，能在唐人街不迷路就够不易的了。
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind-a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.
宇宙只是上帝的一闪念——这是个叫人很不舒服的念头，特别是如果你刚刚付了买房子的首期。
Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you’re dressed for it.
永远的虚无没什么所谓，如果你为之穿着适当的话。
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
不仅上帝不存在，你试试看周末能不能找到一个水管工吧。
「人生感悟」
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
世上大体分成好坏两种人，好人晚上睡得踏实，而坏人更享受醒着的时间。
80 percent of success is showing up.
百分之八十的成功是到场。
「关于伍迪艾伦自己」
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
我人生的一大遗憾就是我不是别人。
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
对你们来说，我是个无神论者;对上帝来说，我是个忠实的反对派。
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
我不想通过我的作品达到不朽，我想通过不死来达到。我不想活在人们心里，我想活在我的公寓里。
The two biggest myths about me are that I’m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I’m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.
人们对我最大的两个误解是：他们仅仅因为我戴眼镜，就认为我是知识分子;他们总以为我是艺术家，因为我的电影总是赔钱。这两个误解曾盛行一时。
