爱华网第一课：自我介绍，心理学和积极心理学历史及其代表人物，课程方式。记忆最深刻的一个片断。记者问米开朗基罗，怎么能够雕刻出大卫这样的杰作。米开朗基罗说：我到采石场看到了这块大理石，从这块石头中，我看到了David,我所需要做的就是去掉多余的部分。我们的人生也是这样，去掉非我，保留完美自我。
第二课：What if I only have a year life? What would I do in thatyear?
因为Tal问自己的这两个问题，因而有了《幸福课》。当我问自己这两个问题的时候，我觉得自己很坦然。现在我的人生就是每一天踏踏实实地过着，经历，思考，做该做的事情，把该做的事情做好。享受世间的各种美好的文化和艺术。研究PositivePsycholgy至关重要的原因有三个：1，集中研究有用的东西至关重要，有用的或者集中研究会成为现实。2，快乐并非只是对痛苦的否定,消除了抑郁和焦虑并不就等于快乐。3，预防在今天来说非常重要。预防困苦的最有效的方法是通过专注于培养积极心态，PreventingHardship, 同时专著建立生活中美好的事。研究抑郁和焦虑心理和研究积极幸福心理学的比例是21：1。
Questions create reality. 开始问积极的问题，关注于成功的问题。
适应性：和幸福相关。同样的环境，积极适应，承认弱点，寻求帮助。欣赏自己的优点，长处美德，自信自尊的人才会幸福。
Role Model: Marva Collins.
不把自己生活中的不幸归咎于他人，自己负责，只有自己能够为自己的自尊，幸福，后果负责。No one is coming.
第叁课:
Desease model and health model
Focus creats reality.
Disease Model: Optimum value is 0. Focus oncorrectingweakness topreventdespress, anxiety...
Health Model: Cultivate happiness, competency, capacities.Forcus on health.
faith, work ethic, hope, hoesty, perseverame, capacity for flowand insight...
Practical idealist...
5 basic premises:
1.Bridge Building: Build bridge between academia and MainStreet.
2.Change is possible: personal change, organization changedifficult-- technical, method, tools
3.Happiness primarity is dependent on how we perceive the world,is primarily function of external circumstances.
4.Human nature must be obeyed.
5.The ultimate end which we pursue and that is also a moralclaim, higher, more important, more moral.
第四课
继续讲述前提2,以及3和4
前提三.幸福与人内心对外界的认知有关,与外部环境关系不大.
财富对快乐影响不大.
In general, external cirtumstances make very little dfferenceson level of happiness.
有一个外部因素对幸福感影响比较大,就是民主环境或者还是独裁.
One thing that does matter to our base level of wellbeing witchis external circumstance is democracy versus oppression.Peopleliving in democracies are generally significantly happier thanpeople living in dictatorships.想想自己是从七十年代出生然后一步步走过来的,那些文革时期的可怕故事,后来的严打,都曾经直接或者通过父母和老师的渗透,在自己的心上烙上了印记.一度失去了很多自信,安全感.
有时候,一件事情,比如在升学,升职,结婚,恋爱方面的成功或者失败经验,会让人在一段时期感到极度幸福或者极度沮丧,但是一段时间之后,会恢复到原来的幸福或者不幸福水平.怎样才能保持幸福感,要有正确的期望...
和内在有关,而不是外部世界.
前提四 nature should be obeyed.
两种对待人本性的理论.
1. Constrained - human nature cannot be changed, to accept ->immutable, channel the flowed towards good. - 资本主义
2. Unconstrained - human nature can be changed and perfect it.--共产主义
本课程相信人性是不能改变的,how to chanel nature, why this is important?
A. Politically in the psychological realm.
B. It's one of the most important pillars of wellbeing andhappiness
C. It gets to misunderstanding that many people have regardingwhat positive psychology is and is not.
人类有各种焦虑,痛苦,抑郁等感受是正常的.只有两种人没有这些负面情绪:精神病和死人.
Give self permission to be human being.
找到一个地方,无条件接受自我的地方.(我希望找到这样一个人,互相可以接受,该多幸福...)
A- Affect 情绪
B- Behavior 行动
C- Cognation 思想
情绪是一样的,都会有.采取什么样的行动,以及认知性地重塑自己的思想是本课程的一个重要目标.
倾诉,写作,冥想等是对情绪的接纳,体验,经历 - 主动接受
沉思痛苦的思维- not help.
让心理免疫系统增强，更有抵抗力。
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannotchange, the courage to change the things I can change, and wisdomto know the difference.
第五课
哈佛大学的课堂上总有各种相关的组织或者团体提供学生很多的机会去实践，真好
这一课主要讲述了第五个前提：Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life,the whole ai and end of human existence.
"We should work to cultivate positive emotions in ourselves andin those around us, not just at end states in themselves, but alsoas a mean to achieving psychological growth and improvedpsychologican and physical health over time.Positive emothions appear to broaden people's momentarythought.
Negative: narrows and constricts -> Sadness ->
Positive: Broaden and Build -> positie emotion ->upwardspiral
对于负面情绪，全面接受，Go Through
Pursing Happiness -> is that selfish?
因为世上有很多痛苦，人们在自我感觉好时会内疚。。。
happiness not take fromothers,不是我多了你便少了的概念，如果一个人快乐，可以让周围的人快乐，并不是从别人身上抢夺快乐。传播快乐的方法是使自己快乐。
Be the change you want to be in the world.
信念的力量：Belief creates Reality..
Can be changed
Can be tranformed.
每个人都有潜力，正确的信念让人注意到一直存在的东西。
第六课，继续讲述信念的力量。理想愿望和成为现实的关系，以及一些研究。
今天有些Down，这种情况下看这个课程，真是感觉美妙。虽然有时候不能集中精力，但是还是很让人积极乐观起来。没有理想，没有愿望，应该说是随波逐流，也没有幸福感。设立怎样的目标，以及怎样调整，看待失败，都很重要。“Learnto fail or fail to learn"
有些东西很重要，即使没有看到，潜意识还是感觉到其存在。创造积极的环境，比如在房间内放置喜欢的艺术品，照片，摆设，可以有积极地影响。
Brief create reality, it's truth, but not all thetruth.相信能实现，就有可能实现。
还需要刻苦勤奋和坚持不懈，以及很多的失败。
如果一切建立在吸引力法则，坚信一切由自身而起，会让人挫败，内疚不欢乐，并远离快乐。
“Beliefs in personal efficacy affect life choices, level ofmotivation, quality of functioning, resilience to adversity andvulnerability to stress and depression. People who regardthemselves as highly efficacious act, think, and feel differentlyfrom those who perceive themselves as inefficiencies.
Positive thinking bring positive impact.然而不是只想，take time &effort.成功取决于你坚信自己能取得成功的程度。两个因素影响1，不断地问自己问题2，坚信自己可以成功。
自信自尊程度确定待人接物，地位，成就，和个人幸福水平。自尊与幸福感线形相关。
从失败中学习，转化为机遇。
信仰的局限性以及精神的巨大力量：精神对生理，情感，认知的作用并不证明吸引力法则完全起作用。
信念期望主要以下的影响和作用来变成实际实现：
1。动力：相信能实现，能做好-〉有动力-〉进一步练习实践-〉正式运行时有动力
2。一致性和结合性：需要内部和外部的共同作用才有效。不同-〉异议感-〉不适-〉两者统一。改变自我思维与外界一致，重建一致性。-〉调整自己
Update Scheama
Ignore or discard external information
actively seek confirmation
create a new reality
No Short Cuts: Learn to fail or fail to learn.
勤奋，热情，和坚持是成功的唯一方法。
第七课 自我实现预言的信念，和专注
面对问题，可以使我们的幸福基线上升。我很勇敢，我很有自尊心，很渴望成功，对自己有以上结论结论，根据自我知觉理论，会更自信，乐观因而幸福感提高。认识到失败不糟糕，我们想象的痛苦比实际的痛苦多得多。Howto raise the base level of wellbeing.
怎样能够变得乐观
1.Take action
Begin with action. Having strongbelief,反对自尊运动或者感觉良好运动。长期会伤害积极性。
正确诠释失败，
增加自信-》激励更努力-》更自信
upward spiral
To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily, not to dare is tolose oneself. (勇于冒险或者会一时失足， 却步不前则会失去自我。2,Imagine
我们的大脑分不清想象和现实。
大脑希望外在和内在是统一的，通过想象，让外部可能成为现实，通过想象，我们有了有了不同的Schema。
想象自己成功，更有效的是想象成功以及成功的过程。形象的成功画面，以及怎样能够实现的过程。想象的越真实，越接近成功。-《I have adream〉对此，我有些怀疑，因为我一直是很充满想象力的，也曾经想象过幸福的模样，那么真实。我要深入考虑下，为什么和这个理论相背。或者是因为想象太依赖于别的人了，而且没有想到正确的过程。是的。
3,Congnitive therapy
THe thought drive emotions.
Event -> Evaluation (thought) ->Evoke an emotion -> action
Key: Change thought -> changeemotion
3Ms:
1 Magnify
2 Minimizing - tunnel vision
3 Making up Fabricating
Eveluation our emotion, correcting theerrors.
三个问题让我们现实地看待问题，而不片面或者不真实：
Is my conclusion tied to reality?
Is it rational?
Am I ignoring something important?
打开视野，放开思绪，创造现实。
非常幸福的人经历的痛苦并不比别人少，在痛苦中能够快速恢复是因为不同诠释，比悲观者恢复快。
同样的Event，不同的诠释Thought,（积极者：会很快过去，暂时的），不同的Emotion，面对或者逃避，影响下一步的Action
No short cuts. 快乐是一生都必须努力的。越努力越幸运。
本课程的第二个主题是：专注。Focus
关于幸福，人们感知世界的方式比客观环境更为重要，更主要的是内在。取决于我们关注什么，如何去诠释。Focus CreateRealities.
失败和困难，可以被看作是灾难，也可以被看作是机会。
两种原型
Fault-Finder：消极者：抱怨，在天堂中都能找到缺陷
Benefit-Finder：专注于成功的事物。
关注帮助实现自我预言。
要同时关注两者，现实生活中积极和消极的两面。
经历过困难之后，信心，关系更稳固。经历困境，从中学习，成长。
第八课 继续讲述两种原型的应对生活的不同态度，以及感激
Benefit finder knows that things don'tnecessarily happen for the best, it is possible to make the best ofthings that happens. It may take a little bate while.需要时间走出各种负面影响，所有的都是暂时的，permission to be human being.人们会失败，但是失败会过去。
好处:幸福感强了，任何事情的发生都有好的一面。焦虑的情绪减少，对身心都有好处。
心理学家做了很多心理方面的研究。比如心脏病发作。把心脏病认为是一个警钟的人，会活得长一些。
患者中积极的情绪中，比如因为患病，活下来的可能性高。
除了天生的积极者，人们可以改变。写下从创伤中得到的好处，看医生次数少，活得机会大。
我们怎么处理，怎么看待问题。能够看到汇市中的好事，并不是认为坏事发生的好，而是坏事发生了，能够从中找到好的一面，并积极接受。
媒体每天的宣传大多是消极的灾难的负面的新闻，其实只是少数。但是影响人们对生活和世界的积极态度。
大部分人是悲观主义者，我们需要看到生活的积极方面。同时也不能忽视坏事发生，但是世界上好事多于坏事。
正好最近自己发生了一起交通事故。心理一直还有些阴影，但是提醒了自己以后驾车小心，遵守交通规则，不能抢。。。
自我实现预言。“政客是骗子”，大部分人作诚实工作（？在中国应该不是）
因为自我实现预言会影响选择和行为，所以以后要有积极的自我实现预言。想到可能和好的。
对自己:我会找到好工作，自己喜欢的工作，我会克服所有的困难，我的孩子会和其他大多数孩子一样健康成长。我也会健康。
“What you focus on expands, and whenyou focus on the goodness."当你专注于生活中的好事上，你专著的东西会变大。
当我们学会感激，金钱，爱，事业都会增值。
让阳光照射，给它浇水，让种子成长。潜力会成长。
社会层面上
报道积极消息。和平健康发展。。。（Goodnews network）Focus on good news
Art，中世纪，文艺复兴，浪漫主义，现代艺术
积极心理学所研究的：研究好的现象，研究优秀中最优秀的。
我们经常忽视习以为常的事情。——另一个容易悲观的原因，注意反常的事情。
适应性-- 有好的一面，坏的一面（习以为常）
感激习以为常的事情，就在我们身边的，每天发生的。把感激当作一种生活习惯。
每天写出五件自己感恩的事情。感激能带来人最单纯的快乐。真诚的感激。
不自觉处理的事情:一杯咖啡，散步。
第九课
继续讲述Appreciate.
Benifit finder refuse to ignore thepositive things and 承认生活中的挫折和失败。not about being a detachedpollyanna.
but why not more positive personbecause they are happier, healthier, and more successful.
because of the media.
So we need to 1. good news channel. 2.Art --->everyday
不要把每天看到的美好事物当作是习以为常，要努力去发现没有注意的事情。writetalking and thinking appreciate. don't take everything asgranted.
Change only happened when you do it,experience over time. more and more
21 days change a habit.
"我们应该感激什么。"怎样表达感激。
拜访，电话。
Permission to be human being.所以会感受到各种情绪。去经历各种情绪，接纳
写下心怀感激地事情：食物，风景。。。
不知道感激就会贬值。
Change:
1.change is hard. 快乐是一种随机现象。 base levelof welbing
2. Change is possible.
How is change possible? What doeschange look like?
before 1998, no change for brain after3 years old, brain born with certain gene.
After 1998, Neurogenesis, andneuroplasticity.
Neurones develop are created throughoutour lines until the day we die.
What Brain looks like? there aremillions of channels inside, neural pathways connections betweendifferent neurones.Everythinga connection is madebetween neurones that pathways grows with use, shrink when there'sno use.
How can we change our thought?->change welbeing?
our experience is much likely togravitate to already established neural pathways and strengthen itfurther, as opposed to created new neural pathways. An establishedneural pathway attats more action and get thicker. Stay-> growevern more.
benefit finder -> healthypathway
fault finder -> unhealthy pathwaythat'spathways in the brain look for in my world things that gowrong.
Benefit finder: 经验流向乐观。People who havemore action on the left side of the prefrontal cortex, compare tothe right side of the prefrontal cortex, are general happier.
所以，一念天堂，一念地狱。
可以培养，改变大脑。方法：冥想，change pathway ofbrain. we can change the brain neuroplasiticityand neurogenesis.
two type of change:
Gradual approach,Acute change. Both take time.
The belief that we can rely onshortcuts to gratification and bypass the exercise take a lotstrenths and virtues is folly. it leads to legions of humenity whoare depressed in the middle of great wealth and are starving todeath spiritually.
第十课Gradual Changeand Acute Change
Neither is quick-fix. Take time andeffort.
Gradual change
Do the gratitude exercise everyday slowly becoming more andmore of a benefitfinder.
Brain Change -> activitychange.
It comes after a lot of hard work, after lot ofpreparation.
No quick-fix, otherwise leads to despress and anxiety.
Q: DO I, DO you really want to change?
Get rid of certain characteristics?(grim,rigid, gullable)
Q: were you successful?
The positive characteristics linked to negativeones.
Consistency -> Rigid
Trustworthy->gullibility
Seriousness -> Grim
Drive and ambitious ->perfectionism
Responsibility -> worry andanxiety
Not being empathic and sensitive ->guilty
Simplify -> loging edge
Happiness -> slacking off
Keep one not theother,
The key if we wanna overcome this fear of failure on the worry/anxiety, or theguilty, or the slack of happiness, is about understanding or get abetter understands of these characteristics.Ex, to get rid of failure and maintaindrive/ambition.
The baby can stay and the bathwater can go if we have a more nuanceunderstanding of what is we want to change identify what to get ridof and what to keep.
A-affectEmotion
B- Behavior Action
C- Cognition Thought
Affect behavior cognitiontimes gradual and the acute, 6 approach tochange.
We first make our habit and then our habits make us. Theapproach for change need to focus on all threeA,B,C,not only one or two ofthem.
What do we change?
What can we change?
What can we not change?
Happiness comprises three factors.
Genetic set range. 50%We all bore with certain predisposition toward happiness andwell-being. That it is… Nature to be commandedmust be obeyed.
About happiness, people who don’t work on their happinesseven if they have the best of genes will not do as well as peoplewith less happy genes who work on it. So workmakes a great deal.(后天努力很重要)
External circumstances beyond extreme10%
Intentional activities
What we do, how we act, what we think about, howwe imterpret the world, what we focus on. Real meaningful change and weare going to focus
A: Affect emotion. Logical, linguisticconnection between emotion, motivation ,motion.
Gradual change – mindful maditation
Cultivating mindfulness can lead to the discovery of deeprealms of relaxation, calmness and insight withinyourself.. all is involves is cultivating our ability to pay attention inthe present moment.
Transform our brain just by focusing on the breath, byfocusing on parts of our body be being present.Mindful meditation is arguably the most powerful intervention forbringing about calm andequanimity.
Mindfulness means seeing things as they are, without tryingto change them. The point is to dissolve our reactions todisturbing emotions, being careful not to reject the emotionitself. That is : along the emotion, experience the emotion. 8 weeks of regularmeditation our brain actually starts to change its form totransform.20 mins or 30 mins a day.
Acute Change
Specifically to post-traumatic stressdisorder-创伤后应激障碍。是一种Acute Change. It changes the structure of thebrain, creates new neural pathways, kills a lot of old neuralpathways as a resultof a single experience.
创伤后成长多于创伤后应激障碍.尽量从世事中成长,尽量收益.- 写日记,分享经历...
Is that a positive equivalent to tranma something that is so powerful yet positive that will changethe way our brain functions in an instance like asledgharmer?That means can a single positive experience create a positivechannel that will lead to a permanent increase in wellbeing, calmand positive memories.-peaking experience
Peak experience. : it’s a generalization for the best moments of the humanbeings. For the happiest mements of life, for experience of ecstasy, rapture,bliss of the greatest joy.
Feel so good so complete…
But it come and go not last longer.
Maybe it's same as PTSD...
Peak experiences often have consequences...They can do thesame there as psychotherapy,if one keeps his goals right, and ifone knows just what he is about, and if one is conscious of whathe's going towards.We can certainly talk on the one hand of thebreaking up of symptoms, like the breaking up of cliches, ofanxieties, or the likeor on the other hand, we can talk about thedevelopment of spontaneity, and of courage, and of Olympian orGodlike humor and suchness, sensory awareness, body awareness, andthe like.
'do we experience peak experiences and experince more ofthe?
'after we experience peak experience, how can we make it morelikely that we enjoy PPED?
Permission to be human being, accept emotions. Open thepathway, give ourselves the permisson to cry or ecstatic.容易感受消极的情绪,也便容易感受积极情绪.same emotional pathway.
Mindfulness, beingpresent...专心致志地听音乐...作有意义的事情,制定目标去完成,容易获得高峰体验.
问题是时间,我们总是急匆匆,赶时间做事情...
怎样使peak experience经常出现
replaying image
write down experience, taking time to define
Finally Take action.
B -Behavior
2 type after experience high
1 - back as before
2 - back to higher base level thanbefoer
Why? how ?
Take action immediatly... introducing changeImmediatly...
Attitude and behaviors.
Attitude affect our behaviors. Behaviors also affectattitude.
The attitude the mind doesn't like incongruence, it's goingto create equality between two.
First we make habits, then habits makeus.
Smile can be source of the joy. bodyfeedback
no other way to change, nothing will happen unless we bringabout real actual behavioral change, action, and when wedothat, then the sky isthelimit.
这节课最后Tal穿着粉色小体恤，作了行动的榜样。真心觉得哈佛真是好学校。
第十一课
Body Feedback: communicate certainmessage to other people, who then reflect back to us and at thesame time, we are also communicating to ourselves. "fake it till wemake it". Because our body, our behavior sendsmessages to our mind to our emotions and affects them.
-- Shy heterosexual man experiment.with 6 women
为了心理学研究，心理学家做了大量的研究，提出论点，试验，然后得到结论，反复进行。心理学是一门和身体科学不同的科学，但是也是一门科学。看了积极心理学之后，我对心理学的很多误解消除了，而且我也慢慢地使用和给周围的朋友介绍。希望帮助到他们。真的是感激这些科学家的研究，还有如今发达的网络技术，让这些课程的学习进入普通人，成为了可能，所有需要做的就是坐下来，专心地听课，听那些只有顶级学校才有的课程。我们这代人其实真的很幸福。不是吗？
"Those whose deeds exceed their wisdom,their wisdom shall endure . But those whose wisdom exceeds theirdeeds, their wisdom shall not endure."(那些行为超越其智慧的人，他们的智慧将恒久。但那些智慧超越其行为的人，他们的智慧无法持久。
--Nothing will happen unless we followour new found wisdom or our understanding with deeds, with action.Because we first make our habits, and then our habits make us. Ourattitude changes but our behavior doesn't, our attitude will bepulled down over time by our habits.
For instance: gratitude practice, writeletters, phisical exercise.
Attitude change has to be matched bydeeds, by behavior.
1. You can direct your energy andattention toward trying to fix your mind, find your focus, affirmyour power, free your emotion and visualize positive outcomes sothat you can finally develop the confidence to display the courage,to discover the determination to make commitment, to feelsufficiently motivated to do what it is you need to do.
2. You just do it.
comfort zone--Freezing water
strech zone(Change actually happens.)-- flowing water
Panic zone (we have anxiety anddifficulty, usually unhealthy) --boiling water
benefit finder - gratutide
confident - Take some risk, image
people don't have discipline forchange.
Vote:Havingdiscipline can be more successful
Bad news - you can not get more selfdiscipline, most people cannot get more - Nature.
Good news - it's not thatimportant.
Experiment : Before take exam, try notto touch Chocolate cookie and beetroot.
Ritual - self discipline
Run - Stretching 30 to 40 mins 3 timesa week. it help Release anxiety.
Relationship - very important -datetwice a week as ritual
It takes a lot of discipline to start aritual.
one month or 21 days to setup. No morethan two Ideally one ritual.
"Incremental change is better thanambitious failure. Success feeds on itself"
Through training, we can change,we cantransform ourselves.
Setup ritual is the way to change.
C - cognitioninterpretion -> neutual pathway
Twins investigation: differentinterpretion, model-passive victum.
happiness contingent on our mind.
Cognition reconstruction.
Most of people think the relation isthat we are validated, as we get pads on our back.
If we want long-term successful,thriving, passionate relationships, the first objective, theprimary objective is to go into relationship to be known.(最基本的目标是通过关系被了解。) rathenthantobe validated. To be known as a human being.
Acute Change : Begin withIMMERSION,invest at least 10 years of hard work.creative andtransform. After we prepared,that means years of hard work, theneureka.
Incubation -> eureka
Then ask: is this good? (plan,idea...)
"Isthis somethingthat will last, orjust a moment of pleasure, willyou still love me tommorrow?"
Lesson 12
1) Change - Sumup
2) Settinggoals
- No short cuts: not only think, image,beliefe, passion, hard work is the most important
- Take time off(空闲时间): time off toincubate, to reflect, to metaphorically, or literally sit in thebath and think.
- Evaluation Part (1%+99%)
journaling - 5 mins about themost difficult experience, 4 times
write continuously about themostupsetting or traumatic experience of your entire life. Don't worryabout grammer, spelling or structure. Write down the deepestthoughts, feeling, emotion, affect you deeply.
Journaling include A,B C." Opening up"-- Jamie Penrebaker
记日记可以帮助人们: strenthen immune system,better mood, more outgoing, less despress, more benefit finder.
Positve emotion and painful emotionflow through the same pipeline. And if we suppress something, if westop something, wehich is painful, we are very often indirectly,inadvertently also supressing the positive emotions. Open cloggedchannel, to experience more high levelhappiness.
Write happiest experience.
Journaling - > insight words ( now Isee that, I realize that)
写日记的经过创造了一种关联性,而关联性对于积极情绪的培养是好的.
生活的高低起伏是宝贵经历.
Now I can face it, deal with it.
我们模糊且无可预知的世界的产物就是对不能圆满成功而产生的焦虑和无法理解对一些造成痛苦困扰的原由的简单解释.
1. Sence of comprehensibility - I understand theworld. It makes sense to me. I see, I realize, I get it. The worldand event, difficulties and hardships highs and lows makes sense tome mostely.
2. Sense of manageability - I can dealwith it. I can handle it. I have the internal as well as externalresources to deal with it as opposed to being helpless.
3. Sense of meaningfulness.
The above compnentsas source of mental health.
"A global orientation that exppressesthe external the extent to which one has perrassive, enduringthrough dynamic of confidence that :一种整体适应性,主要包括三个方面对生活的感受性和信心:
1) the stimuli deriving from one'sinternal and external environments in the course of living asstructured, predictable and explicatable.在生命中个体感受到来自内外部环境的压力是明确,具体,可预测的.
2) The resources are available to oneto meet the demands posed by these stimuli.个体感受到应对内外部环境压力所需资源是充分的.
3) These demands are challenges, worthyof investment and engagement. 个体感受到的压力具有挑战性,值得花时间和精力去应对.
在日记中,我们可以发现上述三方面的描述.关联到ABC三个方面。
加强进入良性循环的神经通路，改变人生模式。比如：
high self-esteem(C)->strong emotion (A)-> more actions(B)-> higher self esteem
Cognation -> 3 Ms
Affect -> Phisical exercise, yoga,Music-> lower anxiety
Behavior -> THrough exposure.
The journey is asimportant as the result.
人类无疑是有能力有意识地提高自己的生命的，过程比结果更重要。结果可以让我们幸福感很快升高，但是很快地落回到原来的水平。而实现结果的过程的行动，ABC，可以让我们的幸福水平提高。不是完美的，也不是最幸福的状态，而是经过时间，会比原来幸福感强。
需要时间。
---------------------------------------------Changing End
Goal Setting
Importance of goal: become moreefficient.
1 understand the theory and thepractice of the goal
2 how we do well deal with thestress.
3 moving from material perception tohappiness perception.
Goal -> focus us. Focs getdirection. Focusing on the future.
Niezsche:"If we have a what for, everyhow becomes possible. we are much more likely to overcomedifficulties and hardships. "
Goal makes us more successful for theexact same reason that positive belief do, it decalre we believe wecan get something. Setting goals makes it more likely to come ture.Because our mind does not like when the reason inconsisitencybetween what is inside and wht is outside. and if I believe a goaland I declare a goal, the outside is likeyo to match that.
Declare a goal -> create ourreality.
Goal -> Focus
Goal -> Oppotunities.
Power of words. The connection betweenconcept and conceive is not just etymological, it is alsometaphisical.
"That the moment one definitly commitsoneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur tohelp one that would not have otherwise occurred. A whole stream ofevents issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all mannerof unforeseen incidents and meaning and material assistance whichno man would have dreamed would come his way."
歌德：
"what ever you can do, or dream youcan, begin it!Boldness has genius, magic and power in it."
Goals properly understood leads tohappiness
不是实现目标让人幸福，而是拥有目标让人幸福。
佛教：身外无物，无欲无求？？？？
Tal：设定目标是与外界相关联的手段。
个人理解：设定目标应该和无欲无求不矛盾。欲和求是求助于外人，对外人的要求，把希望寄托在别人活着外界。设定目标是对于自己的要求，可能需要寻求帮助，但是不是依赖和要求别人。二是利用自身的努力，吸引外界的帮助。
Enjoy the present. The goal liberate usto enjoy the here and now. Goals are means touwards the presentend.
Happiness is not about making it to thepeak of the mountain, nor is it about climbing aimlessly around themountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward thepeak.
Set goal, and enjoy the process.
The key is to have a goal, have acommitment, this is important. It is the processof striving after goal rather than goal attainment per se- that iscrucial for happiness and positive affectivity. happiness growsless from the passive experience of desirable circumstance thanfrom involvement in valued activities and progress toward onegoal.
POEM:
Live not for battle won/live not forthe-end-of-the song/live for the along.
Goals align to your personal value andinterest things that you care about. Doing things that areimportant to you. the goal is you choose yourself. These are thingsyou want to do rather than things you have to do.
Identify the things that you can do -you want to do - you really want to do.
Enjoy it.
Self-concordant goal.
Life is too short, to do the things Ihave to do , it's barely long enough, to do what I want to do.
-- Write Journal to track self growth.Write down experience, even only for self analyzing and replay tohelp self identify, self realize.
-- Set goal.(Have set reading andlearning goal for 2014, and keep tracking in the Blog.)
No one is coming. When have to bealong, it's an opportunity to learn, to find self, changemind.
Lesson 13
Self-concordance:
1. Setting self-concordant goals canpotentially make us happier because we are pursuing the things wecare about, it is more likely to reinforce our enjoyment of thejourney.
2. Certainly connected to well being isthat very often having self-concordant goals - having goals ingeneral, but in particular self-concordant goals, resolves internalconflicts.
Losing objective and get problem withexistence often occurred when no self-concordantgoals.
3. Easier to be successful. Individualswho set self-concordant goals are more motivated.
During my pastlife, some of my goals are made by parents or following a generaldirection from people's experience, which most of them acctuallyfor me are not self-concordant, eg: the base of marriage, theobjective of a career. Although I cannot go back to my life, whileit's also good I know and understand them now. Getting back to bepure myself. It's hard, but a correct direction. All the pastexperience whatever it was, it should have been should lead me tohere. I believe it's the true myself. I will cultivate this andmake this pathway strong and stronger... Happiness is not from theothers, it's from yourself. Happiness relying on others finallywill disappoint me, because it's not really part ofyourself.Even therewill be mistake and failure, but it's on the way, I can face allthe difficulties.
Having a goal helps to solve internalconflicts, because it takes our mind away from thoseexistential,often important, but sometimes difficult questions.Away from anxiety, away from depression. And we focused onsomething we really, really want to do. also increase the likehoodof success.
"Do it better withpleasure."
When we are engaged in aself-concordant goal, we are much more likely to then continue topursue self-concordant goals. Also do better in areas that were notnecessarily self-concordant.
Choosing to do things interested usalso good for our health.
When we choose, when we do what we wantto, it has implications to our well being to our success, and toour physical health, to the point of leading to longer life.
Too easy is not necessarilygood.所以生活在民主制度下的人们，可以更幸福，是因为有选择的权利。而在独裁政治下，通常人们会被告知去做什么，不是自主选择生活。
VIA: value in action.
Character strenth.人格力量
when ti's used toward moral noble ends.
Is this the real me?
I have often thought the best way to define a man's characterwould be seek out the particular mental or moral attitude in which,when it came upon him, he felt himself most deeply and intenselyactive and alive. at such moments there is a voice inside whichspeaks and says: This is the real me.
对于我来说，学习着，每当学到了新东西，哪怕是记住了一个单词，学会了一首外语歌都让我由衷开心。好学和勤奋应该是我的个性的一部分，每每有时候错过了计划中要学的东西，就觉得不爽。
做了计划，审慎执行。
静心地听完一段音乐，背诵一些诗歌，或者佛文，看书，也让我很高兴，这些是我喜欢的艺术的东西，就像是精神的营养。欣赏美丽事物。
当我能够摆脱和拒绝一种诱惑时，当时虽然有些不舒服，但是之后会觉得很开心。就像是如果一种诱惑持续不断地侵蚀自己的快乐的时候，就会觉得很沮丧。这方面的神经网络需要再粗壮和深刻一些，通过不断学习和思考实践来完成。
我是自尊心很强的，如果有时候为了一些欲望，而放下自尊做一些事情的时候，也会觉得很消沉。
我还是很有责任感的，在责任和自己的自由面前，选择的总是责任更重要。如果扔掉了责任，行动的自由就会在心灵上背上沉重的枷锁，快乐也就无法跟随。
我是喜欢打抱不平的，主要是因为善恶分明。过去曾经因为在感情中自尊受挫，有受骗感，采用些非常手段。然而本质在此，伤痛之下良善美好受邪恶之行干扰，也算是对自己不成熟，不戒，放松道德要求的一个惩戒。痛之深之长也是因为那时最长期最顽固的错误心理模式，以前遇到小挫折只是小小不适，遇到大伤痛，才会有深刻发现，只好让自己放下所有，从浮躁和匆忙的迷失之中停下脚步，理清思绪，在迷茫中找到自我。从此后更是善恶分明，戒己贪念，不受诱惑。
我喜欢Challenge，喜欢好的改变。而且总是为这些改变而努力。当达到了预期目标，我会很开心。当我觉得生活没有方向的时候，我决定离开熟悉的环境，到外面去看看。一种与生俱来的好奇心和激情把我带到欧洲生活了四年。四年中物质财务方面丰足，却遭受到了最大的感情和精神磨难上。在其中迷失，这也是命运，以这种方式，而不是另一种更温和的方式让我重新思考，接触了很多东西，以极其缓慢甚至有时候相悖的方向靠近目标。我的潜意识也一直在帮助我，我的生命力也在激励我。这些都是与生俱来的力量，到我慢慢开始找到方向，不惧迟早，我便可以稳稳地前行。现在，我就在前行的路上。
我喜欢写东西，也喜欢抄写。写东西也让我心静，让我思考，让我表达。剖析自己给自己看。每当我了解了一些，写下来，我便觉得狂喜的感觉。每当我心烦或者抑郁时，写也会让我缓解一些情绪的压力。
我很有理解力和同情心，也很敏感。我自己是这么认为的。
我很热情，直接，健谈。现在也能很好地处理孤独的时光。我有一颗爱心，而且总是对未来充满希望。
me
按照人格力量行事时，觉得有活力和动力。发自内心的，本能的。
it comes from within. it feels natual. This is about yourpersonal nature.
Build capacity. engaged in learning new things.
Better deal with hardship.
1. The first stp is to identify your character strengths.
The way to do it - twosteps :
a. Take the questionnaire,to take the test.
b. Identify 4 to 6 thatmost fulfill these strenghs criteria.
2. Choose one character strenghs and for the following week useethe strength in a new way everyday.
After that, apply another characters or the same characterstrength in a different way. E.g. read something you have neverread.
每天晚上总结一下怎样使用的，然后计划第二天做什么。
Use the strenth and then applied it to what had been a weaknessof mine.
3 cateloge for work: Job, career, calling
Motivation:
job - paycheck
career - money and advancement
calling - things itself. self-concordant goal.
how do you interpret it?
It's certainly true that many of us evade our constitutionallysuggested vocations (call, destiny, taks in life, mission). Sooften we run away from the responsibilities dictated (or rathersuggeted) by nature, by fate, even sometimes by accident, just asjonah tried-in vain-to run away from his fate.
what is your fate, what is your calling, what is yourdestiny.
Just listen to the voice that suggests your vacation.听从暗示你天命的那个声音。
Sometime we are afraid of the answer...
The most noble thing is to listen to that inner voice. Becausewhen we pursue a self-concordant goal and a self-concordantjourney, that's when we come alive and that's when we also make theworld better place.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
The answer may change...
Ask the question may see the things we haven't seen before.
"Instead of focusing on what we can live with, we should bethinking about what we can't live without."
1 write them down. it's making a commitment, much more of acommitment than just saying them even.
2 Set lifeline. Dates by which we hope to achieve those certaingoals, goals, especially self-concordant goals are about inspiringus. putting the spirits in ourselves.
3 Make them specific. in other words, it's not i'm going toimprove sales pretty soon, or very quickly, but rather- I'm goingto increase sales 5% by december 31, 2008.
specific, concrete.
People can imagine themselves taking steps, while great heightsseem entirely forbidden.
Having a long term goal, and then break it down to short term ormedium term goal. And then make plans and then create rituals basedon these plans. Step by step. breaking down achievement.
Stress
when dealing with stress, take time out.
压力导致心理和生理疾病。抑郁，很多身体疾病因为压力导致。
导致旷工。
问题：What do those who were successful and able to lead a healthyand happy life do?
Focusing on what works.
1. they set rituals for themselves.
2. They particularly set rituals for both work and forrecovery.
Stress is not the problem, in fact, stress was good for us.
Stress actually cultivated resilience, strength and helped us behappier in the long run.
"Have 60 to 120 minutes, so around 90 minutes of sprint, work,concentrate, focus hard, go for it.And then after that, after yousprint, with as little distraction as possible, have 15 minutes orso of recovery."
Recreation leads to creation.
Lesson 14
Stress is not the proglem, problem is not enough recovery.
回忆自己的人生，一直到2005年，一直在紧张地按照人生的要求在做事，社会上肯定什么自己就去追求什么。上学，考试，工作，结婚，生孩子，带孩子，出国。一直给所有的事情设置了一个目标值和时间，和考核的要求标准。虽然不是完全理想，但是实现的时候基本是按照自己的要求做到了，因为认知有限，又在急着赶路，所以在一个个目标完成之后，就按照别人的要求社会公认的标准设置新的目标。06年是比较难受的一年，因为觉得失去了目标。07年已经压抑的不健康了，所有以前着急赶路带来的问题，都暴露了出来，当时没有意识到，还在和自己的梦想目标找差距，没有去意识到目标的设置是不是有问题，也没有能力去调整。08年之后，就是错误的继续，还是那个自己，还是按照旧经验在做事，然而一切都是不同了。一直过了四年，前面三年是一直下陷，沉沦，痛苦，后面一年是不得已的放空，因为已经没有了力气做事。2013是又放空之后，慢慢放入美好的一年。就像是一个虚弱的就要死掉的人，慢慢地恢复力量，往昔的痛苦影响还在因此也还在干扰。每次干扰时间月来越短，恢复也越来越快，慢慢地强壮了起来。算是死里逃生，一次轮回了。
感谢世界的发展，还有自己的挣扎努力，和天性美好。终于，我可以走过来，幸福慢慢地会积累，我会越来越强壮。回想起来，不能为外人道的，原来觉得有些不够光明磊落。可现在知道都也无可指责。受到怎样的对待，用什么样的方法对待什么样的人，如果对那些善待自己的人不好，怎么对得起上天眷顾和他们的帮助；同样如果对那些对自己有恶意的人好，又怎么对得起好人？我过去有些情况受人无良对待也是活该，因为是自己心理有阴影，有各种错误心理模式，导致的。自然应该承担。只是之后，过去的努力也没有白费，感谢自己的潜意识保护，来到这个民主自由公平的国度，坦诚，纯粹地做人，坦荡做人，担当负责，宽容，努力，必将越来越美好。
Focus on both work as well as recovery, work hard and playhard.
Quantity affects quality.
年轻的时候要做很多事，学很多东西，设立很多目标，因为不知道自己要什么。
随着岁月增长，慢慢地知道自己要什么了，就要开始简化。
工作时发短信和邮件，智商会降低10个点。
Doing less, creative goes up, productivity goes up, worksatisfaction goes up because when we are distracted, there can't betoo much of a good thing.
Not to do additional things, but to do less, or reather toidentify the things that you really, really want to do with yourlife and do them.
时间充裕的人往往容易获得幸福。
What do people who are happy healthy and succcessful do? - Focuson work , forcus on recovery.
pick up what we really really want to do. Simplified. Doing lessinstead of more.
We are not happy if we are certainly not productive and we arenot creative.
Find optimal level, not stress fress life.
Procrastination - 拖延症
1. 5 mins take-off - just do it
2. Be rewarded
3. Go public
4. Doing with other people(Group approach.)
5. write down goals, plans, list.
6. Permission to recreate(to recover)
What is Perfectionism
characteristics
Success and happiness
Sources of Perfictionism
Overcoming perfectionism.
Joy of learning is gone when we begin to understand other peopleare watching us then the image kicks in. We avoid instad of coping.And that affects ourself esteem, our confidence, our resilience,our happiness levels in the long term.
There is no other way to grow, No other way to learn. No otherway to became more risilient, happier, more successful: fail tolearn or learn to fail.
危机=危险_+机遇
The greatest mistake man can make is to be fraid of makingone.
The important work of moving the world forward, does not wnat tobe done by perfect man or woman. Just do it , just act, be preparedto fail.
If you want to increase success rate, double yr failurerate.
Lesson 15 Perfectionism
Failure: All people successful, at least one significant failureor more than one.They thought the failure as a turning point intheir lives. Help them become who they are. They are able to makethe best of what happened. learning experience, a step stone.
Geeks work life balance---men and women
Geezers Work 7X24 ---man
Defination of Perfectionism: an incapacitating fear of failurethat permeates our lives,especially thouse that we care aboutmost.
A----->B perfectionist fantasy
A~~~~0000~~~><><>B Excellence Reality no straightline to success, perfect releationship, we makemistakes.
Not mean we enjoy failure.
committed to Perfectionist
1. defensiveness
2. Over generalize, all or nothing noself-acceptance.
3. one way is the highway
4. terrify the failure
5. towards the end.
The perfectionist experiences only at best, temporary relief.This is essentially the consummate rat racer.
Committed to Excellence
1.open, welcoming suggestion
2. acceptance first of all of reality as comprising spiralsrather than a straight line. acceptance offailure.
3. the journey is much part of the success as thedestination.
Enjoy journey. Person committed to excellence, there ispossibility of success every step of the way, evenfailure.
perfectionist: easy to prone to disorders. hurt self-esteem.because
1. the first pillar of self-esteem isself-acceptance.
2. the reason why it hurts self esteem. there is constent,inevitable failure for a perfectionist, because there's no perfectperson.
3. hurt relationship. (defensive, Wemirror)
our approach to the world mirrors our approach toward ourselves.The perfectionist expect same perfect for the others willdissapointed.
The ideal relationship is not a relationship that is devoid offailure, that is devoid of disagreements. The ideal relationship isone where there's mostly good stuff, but there is alsodisagreements, disappointment, fights, that'shealthy.
The person commit to excellence is more successful in the longrun: more happier, success at work, success for athletes, successin relationship.
Because:
person commited to excellence enjoys much more sustainableapproach to growth. A perfectionist doesn't enjoy sustainableapproach to growth because they are no places for recovery, noplaces for deviation. .
One of the cause of having more luck is our lives seems like amystical thing. One of the ways of having more luck in our lives isto try new things, little things, see things we haven't seenbefore.
80/20 rules: in most societies, 20% of the people own about 80%of the wealth.
time management: 20% of our time we can get 80% of our workdone.
Source of the perfectionism:
1.Through Conditioning, we learn fraid offailure. The schema in our internal life: Destination.
When we achieve a certain completion and goes on throughout ourlives. The journey goes unreward, and we begin to perceive it asinconsequential, not important, just a means towards an end.
--功利，不是吗
2，Praising is not always good, may create the perfectionismschema.
Priase on effort instead of telent help create excellenceschema.
从小就被表扬是聪明的孩子，长大后也觉得这些表扬其实是有害的，现在才知道原因。
Create more and more excellent schema
1. it is about self-awareness.it's about understanding. E.G.,Start the real work, stop defensiveness. Fraid of failure....
2. Focus on and reward efforts. in this way, we are able tochange schema that has been engraine there,and that has been therevery often for years. Focusing on Journey. reward for failing fortrying.
3. Active acceptance.
4. Taking action
Lesson 16
Perfectionism
Mind->Body
Schema of perfectionism
positive model
it may look exactly the same from the outside, from the inside,it is radically different. The person who is on the excellenceside, enjoy the journey.
1. Awareness: being aware what want to change, what want tomaintain.
2. Rewarding effort, focusing on journey
3. Active acceptance -> this is ok.
We need to look it as a tool, as a tool for growth as well aslearning by yourself, digging deep inside ourselves andgrowing.
4. Changing it by introducing behavior.
5. Internal simulate. Image myself, see my self
enjoy the process instead of thinking of desitination all theway.
Paralysis -- perfectionism
Way: At the end of my life, I will write my magnum opus, untilthen everything is rough draft.
Golden Rule:
Do not do unto others what you would not have done untoyourself.
Do unto others what you would unto yrself.
己所不欲，勿施于人。己所欲，施于人。
Platium Rule:
Do not do unto yourself what you would not do unto others.
or Do unto yourself what you do unto ohters.
人所不欲，勿施于己，人所欲方施与己。
E.G., if a friend failed, will you love them less blame them orgive a hug?
Then why do we apply thses unrealistic and non-compasioniststadards to ourselves?
The platium rule is about having compassion for ourselves aswell..
It is extremely difficult to help other people deal withperfectionism.
And we can help ...
take time...
1. First thing to do is by example. If I can change and becomemore a person committed to excellence, enjoy the journey, celebrateeven failure, even falling down once a while.
2. Tell a story about it, moving or moved from perfectionism tocommitted to excellence.
3. Rewarding effort. Rewarding the journey.It is so easy to fallinto thetrack of rewarding outcome, and so easy to forget to rewardthe journey.
Summary:
A:Technique. Apply to difficult situation
1. Permission to be human being. Acception of theemotion,accepting that is difficult, accepting reality.
2. Reframing. Interpreting the situation as positive benefitfinder. (opportunity tool for growth)
3. Distraction. looking towards other place. It's not alwaysgood. In fact, It's sometime detrimental to stay and analyze everysingle emotion, feeling, throught that coems up. Ruminationg in andof itself does not always help. Sometime the best thing to do iswhen a negtive thought comes up, is to distract ourselves from itby for example, going to listen a piece of music, going for a run,talking to someone either about that or something else. Let me moveon....... not avoiding.
Taking Perspective: Is this really gonna matter? Don't sweat thesmall stuff... and it's all small stuff. Is it going matter in oneyear? is it worth worrying?
Is there anything that does matter?
Psychology maturity is about the ability to willingly shiftperspective.
We can train our mind through meditation overtime.
Mind and body
Wonder Drug:
30 minutes of physical exercise, 4 times a week.
at least 15 mindful exercise 6 or 7 times a week.
8 hours of sleep more or less per 24 hours.
12 hugs a day
Jon Kabat-Zinn:"Perhaps the most fundamentaldevelopment in behavioral medicine is the recognition that we canno longer think about health as being solely a characteristic ofthe body or the mind, because body and mind areinterconnected."
It denied " the mind and the body are two inreconcilableseparate entities. "
形成良性循环：the mind help body, body help mindl
Lesson 17 Physical excersice and mindfulnessmeditation
3~4 times/Week, 30 -45 mins aerobic exercise.
weight training as supplement, interval training.
bascketball
Overcoming barriers:
1. Pain uncomfortable, -> get into it.
it's difficult in the beginning, have social support to divideand conquer, to build gradually, and to havedistracters.
2. No time - it should be the last thing to go.
Why because your memory actually gets betterwhen you exercise. You'll get more buck for the bank in terms oftime you study; your creativity levels go up; your concentration,whether you have ADD or not, especially you have .
3. Subconscious barrier.
We are worthy of happiness. - disagree in our subconscious
Best thing is : just do it.
recognize how important physical exerciseis.
Exercise works on anxiety, on panic disorder, and on stress ingeneral, which has a lot to do with depression.
Happiness revolution, foundation comes after exerciseevolution.
Mindfulness interventions.
1. Focusing on one thing.
moditation -> deep breathy
No good or bad meditation. Meditation is about being present,being in the here and now.
losing -> bring it back.
2. For well being and calmness is the startle response. Easierto get startle, easier to get anxiety.
"The process itself has some extraordinary qualities, but notnecessarilly the subject. The important idea is that this processis within the reach of anyone who applies himself or herself withenough determination.
Brain can change through meditation.
sitting meditation -> breathing
walking meditation -> walking
45 mins/d meditation. 8 weeks later, change left to rightprefrontal cortex ratio.
People who are happier generally have more activation on theleft side of the prefrontal cortex; people who are less happy havemore activation on the right side of the prefrontalcortex.
Emotional well being and physical well being
meditator's immune response significantly stronger. Meditationstrenthen the psychological immune system in making us morerisillient as well as the physical immunesystem.
Mindfulness together with cognitive therapy, together withmedicine, medication as well as on its own.
Neural pathway
Mindfulness meditation reduced the liklihood of recurrence ofmajor depression(50%)
Level 1, Awareness and acceptance of body signal whenever weenter experiencing emotion, there is always a physicalmanifestation to it.
When we begin to experience a painful emotion, immediately goingand becoming mindful, aware of where the physical manifestation is.So in stead of beginning to ruminate and to dwell on 'why am Idepressed', 'what's going on', 'what happening' 'not again'. Instead of going to this rumination, going immediately to thephysical mainefestation of it, to the body, and focsing on it andaccept it. Not trying to fix it, simply accepting it for what itis, looking at it and saying 'oh, that's interesting, oh, it'squite a big knot. not it's small ang oh it's getting bigger'
As opposed to saying ' I want it to go away'.
The purpose is simply to became aware of it, whatever thephysical manifestation of the emotion is. It works because itcreates an alternative neural pathway. With a usual pathway thatit's created. when we feel dis-ease, it's going into the mind,ruminating about it and usually going to the chanel that existedbefore.
we need to do is
instead of going into these enforced channels inside our mindand further reinforcing them, we are creating an alternativeone--on pain?!
Let's go to the body. And that alternative channel.
The reason why it works because that's when we are drawing,that's when we are going to the body's natual ability to heal. Gotothe body, be aware it, accept it.
Don't try to fix it. Just let it be there and just observe it.And our internal healer will take care ofitself.
To be with the emotion, experence it, observeit.
" Trying to get rid of depression in the usual problem-solvingway trying to 'fix' what's 'wrong' with us, just digs us in deeper.Rumination is part of the problem, not part of the solution.'
Good to write journal, talk to a friend, notruminating.
Level 2, cognition reconstruction. (ABC affect(emotion),Behavior(action), Cognition)
Threats -> challenge, privilige
Failure -> learn oppotunity
With the shift trying to ignore or eliminate physicaldiscomfort, to paying attention with friendly curiously. We cantransform -quite literally trasform our experience. "
8 Weeks Meditation -> change
Breathing - > it's the one thing that's common to all themindful meditation practices and something that you can introcudeto your life. - Proper breathing.
Practice:
3 deep breath
If I had to limit my advice on healthier living to just one tip,it would be simply to learn how to breathe correctly .
Lesson 18
Mind body ,sleep, touch, relationships(love).
mind body connection, importance of exercise and meditation.
importance of breathing - > change our life.
not new things -> the things you knew from you were born
chop away the limitation, go back to our begining.
Sleep,8 hrs/24 hrs
solve the problem which is not resolved in the day.
Sleep is about happiness, also about intelligence sleep.
24 hrs no sleep iq will 10% descrease.
Tips on sleep.
1. Generally 8 hrs a day. when difficult,trycatnap during the day.
2. difficult to fall in sleep. -> because eat too much. noteat too late or exercise too late.
some special time, before a date, before an exam, stressfulperiod, permission to be human being.
3.what are your internal rhythm.
"Effects of sleep deprivation on healthand well-being have beendocumented by research. Cognitive skills and physical performanceare impaired by sleep deprivation, but mood is affected even more.People who get less than a full night's sleep are prone to feelless happy, more stressed, more physically frail and more mentallyand physically exhausted as a result. Sufficient sleep makes usfeel better, happier, more vigorous and vital."
Touch:
5 hugs at least everyday, better to get 12 hugs, not just fromlovers, family, from the others.
Baby touched<->untouched well
Hug... win-win
Love- relationship
Romantic Relationships -> extremely happy people.
Thriving relationship, intermate relationship contribute tohappiness, help people out of from despress, anxiety, ...
1, Because when you happy, you share the happiness with thosewho tryly cares about - that enhances, amplifies your happiness aswell as their happiness.
2. when you go through hardships and difficulties, having closerelationships helps us overcome it.
The key though in relationships is to know yourself, meaning toknow your need.
How many hours a day to spend with other people?
introversion and extroversion....
optimum level of arousal,different for people, we need to lookfor experiencing the optimum level of arousal because that's themost convenient.
That's when we are the best.
The number of relationships you need would be best for you -depends on your personal , unique needs. Differs from people.
Before I want to be withsomeone very very much time, since I didn't getthat 'someone', I keep me alone same long time as I expect to spendwith him. I spend the time with the God, With the holy spirit, withgood book, movie, music and beautiful scenary.
"There are few stronger predictors of happiness than a close,nurturing equitable, intimate, lifelong companionship with one'sbest friend."
Man benefit more.
2/3 marriges end up at divorce.
quiet desparation. -> many relationships.
one reason, because love, and especiallylustand passion wears over time.
Novelty produce highter levels of arousal.
"the exotic is erotic."
Is that part of our nature?
Falling in love at first, then say5yearsinto the relationship.
New person is more exciting.
This is nature, First accept nature.
Then what do we do?
How we can deal relationship given the fact that noveltyexcites, given the fact that on the physiological level the arousalwill be higher? How can we create the relationships that thrive,that soar, that go way beyond the zeroto thepositive.
1.understanding what true lovereallymeans.
"perfect love is rare indeed-for to be a lover will require thatyou continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibilityof the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding ofthe philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of thescholar and the fortitude of the certain."
so beautiful and detrimental. it's impossible.
perfect and unreal.
perfect love doesn't exsit, true love dose.
"what makes some relationships thrive and grow stronger overtime?"
There are such relationship existing.
What can we learn and apply to our relationship?
"at first, when I figured out how to predict divorce, I thoughtI had found the key to saving marriages. but like so many expertsbefore me, I was wrong. I was not able to crack the code to savingmarriages until I started to analyze what went right in happymarriages."
Best Sex happened 50yrs or 60 yrs.
need hard work
appreciate
Lesson 19
Love
How can we sustain love, passion?
"Why do so many relationships fail?" the question lead toanother error, to the same shortcomings that asking only thenegative question.
Questions create reality.
"what makes relationships work.
"what make relationship thrive."
1. Working hard.
This is the world's best kept secret. It's the secret ofsuccess. It's the secret of personal success, of successfulrelationships.
no short cuts.
people have wrong expection on a relationship, or of what itmeans to have happy relationshipssepcifically.
Most of the people think that the most important part ofenjoying a happy life-long committed relationship is finding theright partner.
That's certainly important.
People have a finding mindset that hurts therelationship.
Fixed mindset - You are so smart.
malleable mindset - you work so hard.
In relationship - >
finding mindset - I must not find the right one. I must havemade a mistake - an error of judgment.
and the very often leads to a worsening of the situation. ->downward spiral.
There are no perfect relationship.
Finding mindset-> fixed mindset->it threaten ourschema.
There is inconsistency and then we begin to think "well Iprobably did not find the right person."
Cultivating mindset -> malleable mindset -> related to theeffort part.
experience difficult, hard time, put effort, even enjoy theprocess.
The different mindset make so muchdifference.
Finding the right partner is important, it is much moreimportatn to then cultivate thatrelationship.
why people is in finding mindset?
Movie
Movie focus on the finding of the right partner, and hence veryoften entrench, reinforce the findingmindset.
connect to finding mindset is only one right partner exist.
" there's more than one right perosn"
what make relationship uniqu?
It's not finding that one right person. Once again it'scultivating that one chosen relationship. It's by virtue of workingtogether, of being together, of spending time together, ofdedicationg one another. That's how we create the one chosenrelationship, one special relationship.
that's how two "I" become "we".
It take time and effort.
It's by doing things together.
2. conflict
having a super ordinate goal. Workingtogether, supporting another and when you have the workingtogether, doing together, that's when you are most likely toresoleve the confilicts. THe confilict can make the relationshipeven stronger.
But the couple need mutually meaningfulgoals.
"In the strongest marrige, husban and wife share a deep sense ofmeaning. They don't just "get-alone", they also support eachother's, they also support each other's hopes and aspirations andbuild a sense of purpose into their lives together."
things to be done together.
if we don't thrive love, over time because of self-perceptiontheory, over time that will go away.
Because I don't invest anything in a relationship,self-perception theory " oh it must not be that important foryou."
And the love went. all the physiological reasons why it wanesover time.
So if there isn't the active love, it cannot besustained.
how do we sustain love? how do we remain active?
1.Relationship rituals.
2. making that shift from desire to be validated to the desireto be known.
we need to do is form deeper levels of intimacy.
by getting to know one another more and more, more deeply, moremeaningfully. by understanding one another, by getting to know oneanother as we know ourselves.
And that means that if we are up to be know by the other partnerthat means we must open up. that means we need to share ofourselves, not just the wonderful and the amazing and the terrificthings that we share on the first date. Also the things thatsometimes we are not that proud of.
Our weakness perhaps. Some of the things that maybe we areashamed of, that we don't feel comfortable, that no one knows aboutus.
not happened in first dating, it happens gradually over time astrust increases, and reveal more and more. A healthy relationshipis about reveal ourselves, rather than trying to constantlyimpress.
This is different from being known and beingvalidated.
It's risky. what if she doens't like me. butwe are more likely to get a better relationship, it's notguaranteed by any stretch of imagination. however, if we justimpress, we are guaranteed failure.
Why?
1. We we express, generally, over time, people will be moreattracted to us, more like us because of sharing, even theysometimes find out things that they don't necessarily like or adoreor appreciate.
people who have highest level ofintegrity.
2. I impress and I do such a good job of it that the otherperson or the other group actually likes me. Do they like me or theperson with mask? not me they really like. It will not last longtime.
To know our partners. Take time.
Growing together, thriving...
"Intimacy is about letting yourself really be known, includingparts that you or yr partner don't like. But it's not just aboutletting Warts be known, it often involves showing strengths you'vebeen hiding too. Most approaches focus on getting yr partner'svalidation and acceptance when you disclose. But you can't count onthis, and if you try, it inherently limits self-disclosure becauseyou won't say things your partner won't validate. Resolvinggridlock requires intimacy based on validating yourself."
The foundation is to be known. for both romantic relationship orrelationship with friends.
When you disclose yourself, it leads to aconflict, a disagreement, disease in a relationship. Howeverusaully, not always, but usually - that is a temporarydisease.
On the other hand, if you disclose over time and you open up andyou share, that's when you lead to long lasting, positiveconsequences to the relationship. In short term, it's hard, longterm lease to growth.
Mantra: 'be known' rather than to 'be validated'.
To be known, real person, including weakness, failure, noperfect to be validated.
Allowing for conflict in a relationship.
All relationships have conflicts. On average, 1 conflict in 5positive interaction have thriving relationship. none or too oftenis not healthy.
conflict is awful, it hurt relationship deeply.
Love boosters.
"God is in the details." same as love.
Love is in the details, the day to day rituals, the touch, thegaze, the meal together.
Love boosters:
e.g.:
30 sec pleasure: kiss, hold one another or hug, sending a SMS,the little things make big change.
A relationship is sustained by focusing on these details on dayto day activities.
demonstrated interest, get to know the other person - what theylike; what they don't like; and how they like it. rememberimportant date.
Appreciate makes a good appreciate.
I can live two months on a good compliment. -马克土温
Sex - improtant.
曾经憧憬和幻想过的幸福，实践过的每个目标的实现，最终还是没有那个一致想要的，太用力了，太着了痕迹，被扰乱了，被干扰了，如今我慢慢地清楚了，虽然再也不是开始的那个梦，那个太完美。生活怎么可能那么完美，如今经历了这么多，始终亲密关系的理想状态不可得。与各个各种相处，总是难以被理解，或者难以去了解，或者不愿了解，不愿和我一起。种种不能够，不能强求。惟有把那梦想放在心头，依然前行，努力。等到完全可以找到自己，完善自己，那个就不是那么重要了吧。我不知道，但是，不凑和，只能如此。
Love is in the detials.
mini love boosters
Extraordinary by focusing on ordinary
demonstrate interest
Show affection
Pay compliments
Demonstrate empathy
sex
目前我知道，关系的维护和发展稳固，需要各种因素，以及后天的努力。前提是有一个人，相爱，共识，共同努力。我很赞同这些观点。当年的一些往事包括婚姻，很多的条件，依赖，期许，以及最后的落空和冷漠，各种原因相加的结果。用了这么多年的苦涩来承担，来补课，来成长。
慢慢成熟，长大，等待，学习，或者以后，有了这样一个人，不管什么时候，我要再来看这一课。
Why treat the others better than we treat those close toyou?
Cultivate deep meaningful friendship.
Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this it meansa mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. Thesecouples tend to know each other intimately, they are well versed ineach other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, anddreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express thisfondness not just in the big ways, but in little ways day in andday out.
Sharing and being known, big things and little things.
fourth point, Positive perception.
Benefit finder: - If we don't appreciate, the good willdeappreciate. don't take for granted.
Positive illusions.
Lesson 20 Humor
这个人的水平也是很高的。知识，人品，演讲水平。真的应该到这样地学校读书。
我们从中发现5到7岁这个脆弱的年龄带有一些特征，这些特征将会成为幸福心理学革命的核心，这个我们已经讲过了，我们讲过我们的大脑就像一个单一处理器，能够有意识地选择把精力放在痛苦和折磨上，或者把精力用来用乐观和正念的眼光来看这个世界。所以我觉得幽默也正是这样，我认为幽默本身就是一种选择，有意地去选择怎样来看待世界，是用痛苦、折磨、不公的眼光来看这个世界，还是用一种适应性的强有力的眼光来看。今天我把幽默定义为一种正念的眼光，通过幽默我们可以用正念的眼光看待世界，就像乐观主义那样，这时一个人会提高对一种情况的各种可能的意识。今天我们会讲对幸福的很多种不同的定义以及我们看待幸福的不同角度及其对我们的影响。
幽默是我们将要讲到的幸福心理学最重要的一部分。
简单介绍一下今天会讲的内容，我们会讲幽默心理，我们会讲幽默对心理和生理的益处，我们会讲幽默的积极社会影响，你们自己培养幽默感的实用方法以及幽默最强大的功效，我认为那就是幽默的心理治疗价值，通过改变我们的认知心态用一种完全不同的方法看待世界的能力。
我们研究世界的视角真的能改变我们看待世界的视角，如果我们不研究幽默，我们就不会了解社会互动的一个重大方面，也无法了解世界是怎么运行的。那为什么我们对幽默的研究这么少？首先，幽默是非常难定义的，每次你想定义幽默它就从你的指间溜走
研究幽默这个心理学领域的三大巨人就是弗洛伊德、伯格森和我。
他写了一本书叫《笑话及其与潜意识的关系》，《笑话及其与潜意识的关系》你还没有看过...对于一个写一本关于幽默的书的人，这本来书是自《利末记》以来最不好笑的笑话集。在这本书里他描述了一种典范意识，在我们内心有一个本我，这个本我包括了大家都有的性欲、生命力和冲动。我没有，因为我读过神学院，但你们都有。本我之外是自我，这个自我会把本我视为本我冲动和社会之间一道可渗透的屏障。最外面的是超我，超我是加在我们身上的道德约束和社会约束。例如，如果我的本我冲动说我很生气我想揍你，我的超我那个道德约束就会阻止我打你。同样，如果我想和某个人上床，我的超我说这样不行。超我，这个社会道德约束会阻止我和别人上床。这可能是唯一能阻止我上床的东西了，我的超我。
亨利·伯格森是幽默研究领域的第二大巨人。他认为幽默是一种社会纠正器，他认为...就像以前上过这门课的AbrahamMaslow说过的，人是有一个发展轨迹的，终点是自我实现或者说实现我们的潜力。柏格森认为幽默就是轨迹上的一个点，在一个点上当我们偏离这条轨迹时，当我们做一些阻碍我们自我实现的事时，幽默就会马上纠正我们。
打破社会规则的一个有趣之处是它不仅影响了其他人，影响了我们对于整天围在我们身边的社会条文的意识，当我们打破社会规则时还使我们意识到了自己的行为，有些同学做这个实验时大笑不止，他们连实验都做不下去了。有些人在尴尬中发现幽默，因此他们能够享受这个实验，把自己的快乐建筑在别人的痛苦之上。我们从中发现，我们有一个心态决定什么是好笑的，什么是不好笑的。如果这真的是由心态决定，那我们就可以控制它。
每个输入的信息都有脑波接收，我们的大脑接收了太多的信息，大脑就形成了这个模式。我们从中发现了一样东西，我称之为认知残象。
交感神经系统和副交感神经系统，副字拼作为para，副交感神经系统。交感神经系统是我们身体里一个负责释放化学物质进我们身体里让你准备作出或战或逃反应的系统，它能暂时地让你当一回超人，你变强了，你变快了，你忍耐力变强了，你更有活力了，但问题是一直当这样的超人的话是有分解代谢作用的，当你把这些化学物质释放到你的身体时，虽然你的身体暂时变强壮了，但其实它在损害你身体里的所有器官，压力是有影响的，它会劳损所有组织，你体内的活组织。幸好，不是只有这么一个系统。因为我们不会变得越来越兴奋，我们的心跳不会一直飙升，直到心脏爆炸。因为我们中枢神经系统里还有另一部分叫做副交感神经系统，副交感神经系统负责让我们的身体冷静下来，它负责减慢我们的呼吸率、心跳率，真正让我们恢复过来的就是它。当我们能量水平没有飙升时，我们的能量就能维持更长时间，因为这个系统会不断地被激活、修复并注入更多的活力。
这个称之为...有人称之为黑道家族效应，其实只有我称之为黑道家族效应，但我们还是会考黑道家族效应，是指长期地激活交感神经系统幸好我们还有救星，对抗黑道家族效应的最佳缓冲剂是幽默。原因是幽默就像正念和冥想，它能激活副交感神经系统。幽默还能给我们的心理和生理累积大量的益处。首先，他们发现即使是一点点的幽默就能提高我们的免疫系统
幽默还能提高忍痛度。
最后他们还发现幽默能减少压力，增加癌症的缓解率。
增加我们幽默感的六种方法。首先，我们刚才已经讲了一个了，把只属于你的故事写进日记了，找出你日常生活中好笑的事。当你写日记时，要尽量写积极经历，你要审视你的周围，找出日常生活中发生的积极事件。培养幽默感，也可以用这个方法，把它练成一种技能，就像把感恩练成一种培养乐观心态的技能。
第二种方法是观察幽默的人。当你观察幽默的人时，因为镜像神经元，你能从他们身上学到幽默的一些规律，网上还有这样的规律供你学习，如果你对此感兴趣的话，你可以学习幽默的规律，这就是为什么培养模式和打破模式这么重要。还有一个方法是TQP两问处理法。为什么我这么幽默？为什么别人没有发现我很幽默？不断地这么问自己，绝对能提升你的自尊。除此之外，还要允许自己当一个次等人类。
幽默就像乐观主义，我们透过它来看待世界，它需要我们用正念来找到可能性，它能加强我们的健康，改善我们的社交和我们的身体，它能作为一种心理治疗方法。我们把幽默视为一个奢侈，但我认为在痛苦和冲突、悲剧、经济倒退，大萧条出现的时候...我想没什么会比幽默更重要的。
Lesson20
Lasting passion, investigate bestRelationship.
1.Relationship is hard work. More important is to cultivate thatone chosenrelationship.
2.Being Known rather than beingvalidated.
Expressing rather than impressing being open, revealing ourweakness as well as our strengths, our desires, our passion, ownfears andinscurities.
3.Confilict
4. Positive Perception. Benefit finder -> Benefitcreater.
"In a friend, what I am looking for is not a much of concessions, aperson who would agree with everything that I say; rather what I'mlooking for is a beautiful enemy, a person who will challenge me,who will push me, who will help me in my apprenticeship to thetruth."
Appreciate - Deappreciate.
ask positive questions:
1. What is grateful
2. What is wonderful about our relationships? What'sworking?
3.Why are we together at the first place? What is good?
Reality in marriges:
Even those stay together don't really thrive.
In terms of creating a more positive relationship, in terms ofbeing a benefit creator, we want to focus on the potential andthere is one more thing we can do is communicationg about positiveevents.
Positive conversation:
Active <-> Passive
Constructive <-> Desconstructive.
active constructive -> prolong keep for much longer,improvement in welbeing
2 inter-personal spiral upward.
based on responsibility, sacrity:
"This person really needs me, I feel sorry for the person, Idon't really like that person but I'm there just to be there forthem, because out of a sense of duty".
Instead of:
"you are the most important person in their lives, because theycare about so much that the I becames the we.
Healthy sacrifise.
The more in-dependent we are, the more inter-dependent we canbecome.
"What partner would you rather be?
"what partner would you rather have?
Work hard on relationship -> also enjoyable, pleasuable,meanningful.
The last topic, Self-esteem.
我突然觉得这一生都好失败。真想结束了重新投胎来过。心情低落的时候，经常这样。
最近觉得工作好无聊，好久了，大概六七年的时间，工作一直没有好状态，我想可能我一直是在谋生，而不是自己喜欢的事。可是我也真不知道自己到底要做什么。
婚姻爱情更是一塌糊涂，从一中错误到另一种错误，都是深陷其中不能自拔。
难道不能说是失败到底了吗？——最深的底，池塘的淤泥之下。
觉得什么都没有意义。
有人在忙着结婚恋爱，可是基本上都是找到安全感，互相取暖，迫于压力，或者激素作用。后果多是失败，或离婚，或冷若冰霜地一起生活。
有人在忙着生孩子，教育制度，自我的教育认知，社会的各种因素，生下来不就是为了自己吗，之后他们不也是一个个悲剧吗？
我很庆幸把孩子带到了国外，她将来做什么，都是她自己的选择了。我只要在身后给与支持，我知道她要开始犯一些错误，或者也是她人生的必然，命运的安排。我只是给了她一个肉体，灵魂是她自己的。我只能是爱着，给她以最大的安全感，很多地方我无能为力，因为，她要活出自己的人生，她要有自己的选择。我只能祝愿，祈祷她幸福。
继续听课，写了之后，那种低落情绪好些，生活中，好像从来就没有一个人真正了解我，理解我，倾听我。很多事一开始听听，后来就不听了，我想都不是能够理解的，所以觉得无聊。
我不知道是不是每个人都这么孤独。我自小便觉得孤独。上帝只能听我诉说，祈祷，可是，我听不到他。为什么不派给我一个天使？
No one is coming, back to session.
Why self es-teem is important.
Three levels of self-esteem:
dependent Self-esteem
independent self-esteem, that comes from within, self-esteem thatis not contigent on what other people say.
unconditional self-esteem, or a state of being where we simply andnaturally exist.
How can we cultivate independent self-esteem as well asunconditional self-esteem.
Question, "How can I enhance my self-esteem"
Defination of self-esteem
"Those who express the sense of unworthiness aresaid to have low self-esteem, of the person who is to expressself-pride are said to hold themselves in highest esteem."
"The judgment and feellings about the self."
"Self-esteem is the evaluation which individual makes andCustomarily maintains with regard to himself. It expresses anattitude of approval of disapproval himself to be capable,significant, successful and worthy."
"In short, self-esteem is a personal judgment of worthiness that isexpressed in the attitudes individual holds toward himself."
"THe Disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope withthe basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness."
Feeling and experience -> Competent and worthiness.
" of all the judements we pass in our lives, none is important asthe one we pass on ourselves."
Benefit for high sense of self-esteem
1.mental health:high levels of resilience, dealing withdifficulties, anxieties.
2.Relationship improvement
3.self concept is destiny
4.EI
5.Happiness
low self esteem is associate with anxiety, depression, highself-esteem help overcome society problem
narcissism, A people who is narcissist, who is arrogant, doens'thave high-esteem.
"The person who feels weak becomes a bully, the inferior person abraggart; a flexing of muscles, much talk, cockiness,and endeavorto brazen it out, are symptoms of covert anxiety in person or agroup.
Psendo self-esteem
true self-esteem
Self-esteem is not a product of empty reinforcement. Self-esteemhas bo be distinguished from pseudo narcissism, that's detachmentfrom reality.
Psychological healthy is a function of connecty to reality.Self-esteem is founded in reality in actual performance in actualsuccess, in actual practices.
It is a product of hard work.
Secret of success:
1.Optimism
2.Belief in oneself
3.Passion for what one is doing
4.hard work
6 practices for cultivation of self-esteem
1.integrity
2.self awareness
3.perposefulness having goals, having self-concordant goals
4.Taking responsibility - no one is coming
5.Self-acceptence
6.Self-assertiveness
Self-esteem not associated with social status,with money,;
3 level of self esteem
The first level of self-esteem is a dependent self-esteem,
2nd level is not contigent to others,
third level essentially simply a sense of self.
Two component of self-esteem
Worthiness - self respect
competence
In term of worthiness, who has high dependent self-esteem isother determinded, sense of competent, comes form the compare.
Competence -> compare to others.
everyone has some dependent self-esteem. that's human nature.just degree is different.
It's a life long process, we'll always have elements ofdependent as weill as the independenet sense of self-esteem.
It's a epigenetic model.
Epigenetic is that you first need to get past the first stage inorder to get the 2nd stage.
you first need to get past the second stage in order to get tothe third stage.
So everyone experiencesdependent self-esteem always. However, aftera time if we have a healthy dependence, later on it becomesindependent. And if we are able to cultivate a healthy independentself-esteem we go up to the unconditional self-esteem, to the stateof inter-dependence, which is the highest level. But even at thehighest level, we still have reminisce.
2nd level, independent self-esteem.
not contingent on other people.
in terms of worthiness, I evaluate myself according to my ownstandards.
Competence, not comparison to others but comparison tooneself.
un-conditional self-esteem.
Worthiness, not contingent on other's evaluation;even notcontingent on my evaluation. I'm confident enough not to be engagedin evaluations.
In terms of competence, it's interdependent.I don't comparemyself to how well I am doing relative to others, nor even how wellI'm doing relative to myself. In state of being. Interdependencewith others, fully comfortable in my own skin.
Ordinarily, we become very upset when we arecriticized or insulted. We are angry when our possessions arestolen; We are jealous if someone else gets the promotion wewanted; We are proud of our looks or athletic ability. By contrast,when we reach the state of detachment, our mind becomes clearer andmore capable of enjoying things for what they are. We live more inthe present, appreciating things as they are now, without fantasiesabout what they are or will be. We become less ego-sensitive toevery action other people do in relation to us. On the contrary,when we are not attached our relationships with others areharmonious, and in fact, we care more about them.
Lesson 22
"I was not always like this."
It takes time, takes work, self awareness.
It takes being human, fully humen.
To be modest.
Being real to reach the modest.
Independency is important because:
1. Moral
2. happiness higher
"Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of selfwhen you are emotionally and/or physically close to others,especially as they become increasingly important to you.Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course whenlovers, friends and family pressure you to agree and conform.Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they'relosing themselves and can disagree without felling alienated andembittered."
How to enhance self-esteem.
1.People with high independent self-esteem generally calmer.-> meditation.
being centered, being myself
or physical exercise induces calf -> behavior leading to calmexperiencing the calm leads to a changing attitude.
2.in case nobody would know what you are doing.
"what is important to you that you would do regardless of otherpeople's approval, nods, accolades or cheering or disapproval?
People who have high independent self-esteem pursue theirpassions people who pursue their passions enjoy higher levels ofself-esteem. People who enjoy a lot of flow their independentself-esteem will increase as well.
when or where you lose yourself?
Those who chase honor, honor will run away from them. those whorun away from honor, honor will chase them.
behavior hamblly, honor internally generated honor will chaseme.
bahavior can change attitude.
conform to a group -> dependent ourselves
take the time -> reflection and action ->think about->emerges independent self-esteem
we hurt ourselves when we conform, instead of doing what wereally want to do.
3. Integraty
We pay a high psychological and emotional price whenever we liecheat, dishonest.
my words are worthy...
when we tell lies, I'm not good enough. not being a realself.
We are oursleved, we don't try to impress our journeal, we areourselves.
To a week of integrity treatment so to speak to lifelong.
We can just be ourself, how much freedom, more power, happier,lighter.
"Your true potential lies way way down in the depths of yoursoul... in the pit of your stomach past your knowledge, beyoud yournervousness and buried under your fears and anxieties. As it hiddenas it may be, it is stil there. I know it's there because I've feltit before and I know it's there in others too, because I've seenothers perform miracles. There is a faint glow of unparalleledpotential in all of us and wehen we find it - it shines. "
"I am what I am. I am my own special creation. So come take alook, give me the hook. or the ovation, it's my world thant ...It's not a place I have to hide.
Lesson 23
SUmmarize.
Two meaningful or interesting ideas
two commitments, two behaviours to change
acctitude change or action change.
First, the questions that you ask would very often determine thequest that you take.
beliefes create reality.
learn to fail or fail to learn
The permission to be human
jounalist
appreciate
simplify, find what you really want to do.
Relationship
Self-esteem
change
