奥古斯汀《忏悔录》英文原文二忏悔录奥古斯汀 ppt-爱华网

CHAPTER VII　　12. O madness that knows not how to lovemen as they should be loved! O foolish man that Iwas then, enduring with so much rebellion the lot of every man!Thus I fretted, sighed, wept, tormented myself,and took neither rest nor counsel, for I was dragging around mytorn and bloody soul. It was impatient of mydragging it around, and yet I could not find a place to lay itdown. Not in pleasant groves, nor in sport orsong, nor in fragrant bowers, nor in magnificent banquetings, norin the pleasures of the bed or the couch; not even in books orpoetry did it find rest. All things lookedgloomy, even the very light itself. Whatsoeverwas not what he was, was now repulsive and hateful, except mygroans and tears, for in those alone I found a little rest.But when my soul left off weeping, a heavy burdenof misery weighed me down. It should have beenraised up to thee, O　　Lord, for thee to lighten and to lift.This I knew, but I was neither willing nor ableto do; especially since, in my thoughts of thee, thou wast notthyself but only an empty fantasm. Thus my errorwas my god. If I tried to cast off my burden onthis fantasm, that it might find rest there, it sank through thevacuum and came rushing down again upon me. ThusI remained to myself an unhappy lodging where I could neither staynor leave. For where could my heart fly from myheart? Where could I fly from my own self?Where would I not follow myself?And yet I did flee from my native place so thatmy eyes would look for him less in a place where they were notaccustomed to see him. Thus I left the town ofTagaste and returned to Carthage.　　CHAPTER VIII　　13. Time never lapses, nor does it glideat leisure through our sense perceptions. It doesstrange things in the mind. Lo, time came andwent from day to day, and by coming and going it brought to my mindother ideas and remembrances, and little by little they patched meup again with earlier kinds of pleasure and my sorrow yielded a bitto them. But yet there followed after thissorrow, not other sorrows just like it, but the causes of othersorrows. For why had that first sorrow so easilypenetrated to the quick except that I had poured out my soul ontothe dust, by loving a man as if he would never die who neverthelesshad to die? What revived and refreshed me, morethan anything else, was the consolation of other friends, with whomI went on loving the things I loved instead of thee.This was a monstrous fable and a tedious liewhich was corrupting my soul with its "itching ears"[99] by itsadulterous rubbing. And that fable would not dieto me as often as one of my friends died. Andthere were other things in our companionship that took strong holdof my mind: to discourse and jest with him; to indulge in courteousexchanges; to read pleasant books together; to trifle together; tobe earnest together; to differ at times without ill-humor, as a manmight do with himself, and even through these infrequentdissensions to find zest in our more frequent agreements; sometimesteaching, sometimes being taught; longing for someone absent withimpatience and welcoming the homecomer with joy.These and similar tokens of friendship, whichspring spontaneously from the hearts of those who love and areloved in return -- in countenance, tongue, eyes, and a thousandingratiating gestures -- were all so much fuel to melt our soulstogether, and out of the many made us one.　　CHAPTER IX　　14. This is what we love in our friends,and we love it so much that a man's conscience accuses itself if hedoes not love one who loves him, or respond in love to love,seeking nothing from the other but the evidences of his love.This is the source of our moaning when one dies-- the gloom of sorrow, the steeping of the heart in tears, allsweetness turned to bitterness -- and the feeling of death in theliving, because of the loss of the life of the dying.　　Blessed is he who loves thee, and who loves his friend inthee, and his enemy also, for thy sake; for he alone loses nonedear to him, if all are dear in Him who cannot be lost.And who is this but our God: the God that createdheaven and earth, and filled them because he created them byfilling them up? None loses thee but he wholeaves thee; and he who leaves thee, where does he go, or where canhe flee but from thee well-pleased to thee offended?For where does he not find thy law fulfilled inhis own punishment? "Thy law is the truth"[100]and thou art Truth.　　CHAPTER X　　15. "Turn us again, O Lord God of Hosts,cause thy face to shine; and we shall be saved."[101]For wherever the soul of man turns itself, unlesstoward thee, it is enmeshed in sorrows, even though it issurrounded by beautiful things outside thee and outside itself.For lovely things would simply not be unless theywere from thee. They come to be and they passaway, and by coming they begin to be, and they grow towardperfection. Then, when perfect, they begin to waxold and perish, and, if all do not wax old, still all perish.Therefore, when they rise and grow toward being,the more rapidly they grow to maturity, so also the more rapidlythey hasten back toward nonbeing. This is the wayof things. This is the lot thou hast given them,because they are part of things which do not all exist at the sametime, but by passing away and succeeding each other they all makeup the universe, of which they are all parts. Forexample, our speech is accomplished by sounds which signifymeanings, but a meaning is not complete unless one word passesaway, when it has sounded its part, so that the next may followafter it. Let my soul praise thee, in all thesethings, O God, the Creator of all; but let not my soul be stuck tothese things by the glue of love, through the senses of the body.For they go where they were meant to go, thatthey may exist no longer. And they rend the soulwith pestilent desires because she longs to be and yet loves torest secure in the created things she loves. Butin these things there is no resting place to be found.They do not abide. They fleeaway;　　and who is he who can follow them with his physical senses?Or who can grasp them, even when they arepresent? For our physical sense is slow becauseit is a physical sense and bears its own limitations in itself.The physical sense is quite sufficient for whatit was made to do; but it is not sufficient to stay things fromrunning their courses from the beginning appointed to the endappointed. For in thy word, by which they werecreated, they hear their appointed bound: "From there -- tohere!"　　CHAPTER XI　　16. Be not foolish, O my soul, and do notlet the tumult of your vanity deafen the ear of your heart.Be attentive. The Word itselfcalls you to return, and with him is a place of unperturbed rest,where love is not forsaken unless it first forsakes.　　Behold, these things pass away that others may come to be intheir place. Thus even this lowest level ofunity[102] may be made complete in all its parts."But do I ever pass away?" asksthe Word of God. Fix your habitation in him.O my soul, commit whatsoever you have to him.For at long last you are now becoming tired ofdeceit. Commit to truth whatever you havereceived from the truth, and you will lose nothing.What is decayed will flourish again; yourdiseases will be healed; your perishable parts shall be reshapedand renovated, and made whole again in you. Andthese perishable things will not carry you with them down to wherethey go when they perish, but shall stand and abide, and you withthem, before God, who abides and continues forever.　　17. Why then, my perverse soul, do you goon following your flesh? Instead, let it beconverted so as to follow you.　　Whatever you feel through it is but partial.You do not know the whole, of which sensationsare but parts; and yet the parts delight you. Butif my physical senses had been able to comprehend the whole -- andhad not as a part of their punishment received only a portion ofthe whole as their own province -- you would then desire thatwhatever exists in the present time should also pass away so thatthe whole might please you more. For what wespeak, you also hear through physical sensation, and yet you wouldnot wish that the syllables should remain.Instead, you wish them to fly past so that othersmay follow them, and the whole be heard. Thus itis always that when any single thing is composed of many partswhich do not coexist simultaneously, the whole gives more delightthan the parts could ever do perceived separately.But far better than all this is He who made itall.　　He is our God and he does not pass away, for there isnothing to take his place.　　CHAPTER XII　　18. If physical objects please you, praiseGod for them, but turn back your love to their Creator, lest, inthose things which please you, you displease him.If souls please you, let them be loved in God;for in themselves they are mutable, but in him firmly established-- without him they would simply cease to exist.In him, then, let them be loved; and bring alongto him with yourself as many souls as you can, and say to them:"Let us love him, for he himself created all these, and he is notfar away from them. For he did not create them,and then go away. They are of him and in him.Behold, there he is, wherever truth is known.He is within the inmost heart, yet the heart haswandered away from him. Return to your heart, Oyou transgressors, and hold fast to him who made you.Stand with him and you shall stand fast.Rest in him and you shall be at rest.Where do you go along these rugged paths?Where are you going? The goodthat you love is from him, and insofar as it is also for him, it isboth good and pleasant. But it will rightly beturned to bitterness if whatever comes from him is not rightlyloved and if he is deserted for the love of the creature.Why then will you wander farther and farther inthese difficult and toilsome ways? There is norest where you seek it. Seek what you seek; butremember that it is not where you seek it. Youseek for a blessed life in the land of death. Itis not there. For how can there be a blessed lifewhere life itself is not?"　　19. But our very Life came down to earthand bore our death, and slew it with the very abundance of his ownlife. And, thundering, he called us to return tohim into that secret place from which he came forth to us -- comingfirst into the virginal womb, where the human creature, our mortalflesh, was joined to him that it might not be forever mortal -- andcame "as a bridegroom coming out his chamber, rejoicing as a strongman to run a race."[103] For he did not delay,but ran through the world, crying out by words, deeds, death, life,descent, ascension -- crying aloud to us to return to him.And he departed from our sight that we mightreturn to our hearts and find him there. For heleft us, and behold, he is here. He could not bewith us long, yet he did not leave us. He wentback to the place that he had never left, for "the world was madeby him."[104] In this world he was, and into thisworld he came, to save sinners. To him my soulconfesses, and he heals it, because it had sinned against him.O sons of men, how long will you be so slow ofheart? Even now after Life itself has come downto you, will you not ascend and live? But wherewill you climb if you are already on a pinnacle and have set yourmouth against the heavens? First come down thatyou may climb up, climb up to God. For you havefallen by trying to climb against him. Tell thisto the souls you love that they may weep in the valley of tears,and so bring them along with you to God, because it is by hisspirit that you speak thus to them, if, as you speak, you burn withthe fire of love.　　CHAPTER XIII　　20. These things I did not understand atthat time, and I　　loved those inferior beauties, and I was sinking down to thevery depths. And I said to my friends: "Do welove anything but the beautiful? What then is thebeautiful? And what is beauty?What is it that allures and unites us to thethings we love; for unless there were a grace and beauty in them,they could not possibly attract us to them?" AndI reflected on this and saw that in the objects themselves there isa kind of beauty which comes from their forming a whole and anotherkind of beauty that comes from mutual fitness -- as the harmony ofone part of the body with its whole, or a shoe with a foot, and soon. And this idea sprang up in my mind out of myinmost heart, and I wrote some books -- two or three, I think -- Onthe Beautiful and the Fitting.[105] Thou knowestthem, O Lord; they have escaped my memory. I nolonger have them; somehow they have been mislaid.　　CHAPTER XIV　　21. What was it, O Lord my God, thatprompted me to dedicate these books to Hierius, an orator of Rome,a man I did not know by sight but whom I loved for his reputationof learning, in which he was famous -- and also for some words ofhis that I had heard which had pleased me? But hepleased me more because he pleased others, who gave him high praiseand expressed amazement that a Syrian, who had first studied Greekeloquence, should thereafter become so wonderful a Latin orator andalso so well versed in philosophy. Thus a man wehave never seen is commended and loved.　　Does a love like this come into the heart of the hearer fromthe mouth of him who sings the other's praise?Not so. Instead, one catchesthe spark of love from one who loves. This is whywe love one who is praised when the eulogist is believed to givehis praise from an unfeigned heart; that is, when he who loves himpraises him.　　22. Thus it was that I loved men on thebasis of other men's judgment, and not thine, O my God, in whom noman is deceived.　　But why is it that the feeling I had for such men was notlike my feeling toward the renowned charioteer, or the greatgladiatorial hunter, famed far and wide and popular with the mob?Actually, I　　admired the orator in a different and more serious fashion,as I　　would myself desire to be admired. For Idid not want them to praise and love me as actors were praised andloved -- although I　　myself praise and love them too. I wouldprefer being unknown than known in that way, or even being hatedthan loved that way.　　How are these various influences and divers sorts of lovesdistributed within one soul? What is it that I amin love with in another which, if I did not hate, I should neitherdetest nor repel from myself, seeing that we are equally men?For it does not follow that because the goodhorse is admired by a man who would not be that horse -- even if hecould -- the same kind of admiration should be given to an actor,who shares our nature. Do I then love that in aman, which I also, a man, would hate to be?　　Man is himself a great deep. Thou dostnumber his very hairs, O　　Lord, and they do not fall to the ground without thee, andyet the hairs of his head are more readily numbered than are hisaffections and the movements of his heart.　　23. But that orator whom I admired so muchwas the kind of man I wished myself to be. Thus Ierred through a swelling pride and "was carried about with everywind,"[106] but through it all I　　was being piloted by thee, though most secretly.And how is it that I know -- whence comes myconfident confession to thee --　　that I loved him more because of the love of those whopraised him than for the things they praised in him?Because if he had gone unpraised, and these samepeople had criticized him and had spoken the same things of him ina tone of scorn and disapproval, I　　should never have been kindled and provoked to love him.And yet his qualities would not have beendifferent, nor would he have been different himself; only theappraisals of the spectators.　　See where the helpless soul lies prostrate that is not yetsustained by the stability of truth! Just as thebreezes of speech blow from the breast of the opinionated, so alsothe soul is tossed this way and that, driven forward and backward,and the light is obscured to it and the truth not seen.And yet, there it is in front of us.And to me it was a great matter that both myliterary work and my zest for learning should be known by that man.For if he approved them, I would be even morefond of him;　　but if he disapproved, this vain heart of mine, devoid ofthy steadfastness, would have been offended. Andso I meditated on the problem "of the beautiful and the fitting"and dedicated my essay on it to him. I regardedit admiringly, though no one else joined me in doing so.　　CHAPTER XV　　24. But I had not seen how the main pointin these great issues [concerning the nature of beauty] lay reallyin thy craftsmanship, O Omnipotent One, "who alone doest greatwonders."[107] And so my mind ranged through thecorporeal forms, and I defined and distinguished as "beautiful"that which is so in itself and as "fit" that which is beautiful inrelation to some other thing. This argument Isupported by corporeal examples.　　And I turned my attention to the nature of the mind, but thefalse opinions which I held concerning spiritual things preventedme from seeing the truth. Still, the very powerof truth forced itself on my gaze, and I turned my throbbing soulaway from incorporeal substance to qualities of line and color andshape, and, because I could not perceive these with my mind, Iconcluded that I could not perceive my mind. Andsince I loved the peace which is in virtue, and hated the discordwhich is in vice, I　　distinguished between the unity there is in virtue and thediscord there is in vice. I conceived that unityconsisted of the rational soul and the nature of truth and thehighest good. But I　　imagined that in the disunity there was some kind ofsubstance of irrational life and some kind of entity in the supremeevil. This evil I thought was not only asubstance but real life as well, and yet I believed that it did notcome from thee, O my God, from whom are all things.And the first I called a Monad, as if it were asoul without sex. The other I called a Dyad,which showed itself in anger in deeds of violence, in deeds ofpassion and lust -- but I did not know what I was talking about.For I had not understood nor had I been taughtthat evil is not a substance at all and that our soul is not thatsupreme and unchangeable good.　　25. For just as in violent acts, if theemotion of the soul from whence the violent impulse springs isdepraved and asserts itself insolently and mutinously -- and justas in the acts of passion, if the affection of the soul which givesrise to carnal desires is unrestrained -- so also, in the same way,errors and false opinions contaminate life if the rational soulitself is depraved. Thus it was then with me, forI was ignorant that my soul had to be enlightened by another light,if it was to be partaker of the truth, since it is not itself theessence of truth. "For thou wilt light my lamp;the Lord my God will lighten my darkness"[108]; and "of hisfullness have we all received,"[109] for "that was the true Lightthat lighteth every man that cometh into the world"[110]; for "inthee there is no variableness, neither shadow ofturning."[111]　　26. But I pushed on toward thee, and waspressed back by thee that I might know the taste of death, for"thou resistest the proud."[112] And what greaterpride could there be for me than, with a marvelous madness, toassert myself to be that nature which thou art? Iwas mutable -- this much was clear enough to me because my verylonging to become wise arose out of a wish to change from worse tobetter -- yet I chose rather to think thee mutable than to thinkthat I was not as thou art. For this reason I wasthrust back; thou didst resist my fickle pride.Thus I went on imagining corporeal forms, and,since I was flesh I accused the flesh, and, since I was "a windthat passes away,"[113] I did not return to thee but went wanderingand wandering on toward those things that have no being -- neitherin thee nor in me, nor in the body. These fancieswere not created for me by thy truth but conceived by my own vainconceit out of sensory notions. And I　　used to ask thy faithful children -- my own fellow citizens,from whom I stood unconsciously exiled -- I used flippantly andfoolishly to ask them, "Why, then, does the soul, which Godcreated, err?" But I would not allow anyone toask me, "Why, then, does God err?" I preferred tocontend that thy immutable substance was involved in error throughnecessity rather than admit that my own mutable substance had goneastray of its own free will and had fallen into error as itspunishment.　　27. I was about twenty-six or twenty-sevenwhen I wrote those books, analyzing and reflecting upon thosesensory images which clamored in the ears of my heart.I was straining those ears to hear thy inwardmelody, O sweet Truth, pondering on "the beautiful and the fitting"and longing to stay and hear thee, and to rejoice greatly at "theBridegroom's voice."[114] Yet I could not, for bythe clamor of my own errors I was hurried outside myself, and bythe weight of my own pride I was sinking ever lower.You did not "make me to hear joy and gladness,"nor did the bones rejoice which were not yet humbled.[115]　　28. And what did it profit me that, when Iwas scarcely twenty years old, a book of Aristotle's entitled TheTen Categories[116] fell into my hands? On thevery title of this I　　hung as on something great and divine, since my rhetoricmaster at Carthage and others who had reputations for learning werealways referring to it with such swelling pride.I read it by myself and understood it.And what did it mean that when I discussed itwith others they said that even with the assistance of tutors --who not only explained it orally, but drew many diagrams in thesand -- they scarcely understood it and could tell me no more aboutit than I had acquired in the reading of it by myself alone?For the book appeared to me to speak plainlyenough about substances, such as a man; and of their qualities,such as the shape of a man, his kind, his stature, how many feethigh, and his family relationship, his status, when born, whetherhe is sitting or standing, is shod or armed, or is doing somethingor having something done to him -- and all the innumerable thingsthat are classified under these nine categories (of which I havegiven some examples) or under the chief category ofsubstance.　　29. What did all this profit me, since itactually hindered me when I imagined that whatever existed wascomprehended within those ten categories? I triedto interpret them, O my God, so that even thy wonderful andunchangeable unity could be understood as subjected to thy ownmagnitude or beauty, as if they existed in thee as their Subject --as they do in corporeal bodies -- whereas thou art thyself thy ownmagnitude and beauty. A body is not great or fairbecause it is a body, because, even if it were less great or lessbeautiful, it would still be a body. But myconception of thee was falsity, not truth. It wasa figment of my own misery, not the stable ground of thyblessedness. For thou hadst commanded, and it wascarried out in me, that the earth should bring forth briars andthorns for me, and that with heavy labor I should gain mybread.[117]　　30. And what did it profit me that I couldread and understand for myself all the books I could get in theso-called "liberal arts," when I was actually a worthless slave ofwicked lust? I took delight in them, not knowingthe real source of what it was in them that was true and certain.For I had my back toward the light, and my facetoward the things on which the light falls, so that my face, whichlooked toward the illuminated things, was not itself illuminated.Whatever was written in any of the fields ofrhetoric or logic, geometry, music, or arithmetic, I couldunderstand without any great difficulty and without the instructionof another man. All this thou knowest, O　　Lord my God, because both quickness in understanding andacuteness in insight are thy gifts. Yet for suchgifts I made no thank offering to thee.Therefore, my abilities served not my profit butrather my loss, since I went about trying to bring so large a partof my substance into my own power. And I did notstore up my strength for thee, but went away from thee into the farcountry to prostitute my gifts in disordered appetite.[118]And what did these abilities profit me, if I didnot put them to good use? I　　did not realize that those arts were understood with greatdifficulty, even by the studious and the intelligent, until I　　tried to explain them to others and discovered that even themost proficient in them followed my explanations all tooslowly.　　31. And yet what did this profit me, sinceI still supposed that thou, O Lord God, the Truth, wert a brightand vast body and that I was a particle of that body?O perversity gone too far!　　But so it was with me. And I do not blush,O my God, to confess thy mercies to me in thy presence, or to callupon thee -- any more than I did not blush when I openly avowed myblasphemies before men, and bayed, houndlike, against thee.What good was it for me that my nimble wit couldrun through those studies and disentangle all those knotty volumes,without help from a human teacher, since all the while I was erringso hatefully and with such sacrilege as far as the right substanceof pious faith was concerned? And what kind ofburden was it for thy little ones to have a far slower wit, sincethey did not use it to depart from thee, and since they remained inthe nest of thy Church to become safely fledged and to nourish thewings of love by the food of a sound faith.　　O Lord our God, under the shadow of thy wings let us hope--　　defend us and support us.[119] Thou wiltbear us up when we are little and even down to our gray hairs thouwilt carry us. For our stability, when it is inthee, is stability indeed; but when it is in ourselves, then it isall unstable. Our good lives forever with thee,and when we turn from thee with aversion, we fall into our ownperversion. Let us now, O Lord, return that we benot overturned, because with thee our good lives without blemish --for our good is thee thyself. And we need notfear that we shall find no place to return to because we fell awayfrom it. For, in our absence, our home -- whichis thy eternity --　　does not fall away.　　BOOK FIVE　　A year of decision. Faustus comes toCarthage and Augustine is disenchanted in his hope for soliddemonstration of the truth of Manichean doctrine.He decides to flee from his known troubles atCarthage to troubles yet unknown at Rome. Hisexperiences at Rome prove disappointing and he applies for ateaching post at Milan. Here he meets Ambrose,who confronts him as an impressive witness for CatholicChristianity and opens out the possibilities of the allegoricalinterpretation of Scripture. Augustine decides tobecome a Christian catechumen.　　CHAPTER I　　1. Accept this sacrifice of my confessionsfrom the hand of my tongue. Thou didst form itand hast prompted it to praise thy name. Heal allmy bones and let them say, "O Lord, who is like unto thee?"[120]It is not that one who confesses to theeinstructs thee as to what goes on within him. Forthe closed heart does not bar thy sight into it, nor does thehardness of our heart hold back thy hands, for thou canst soften itat will, either by mercy or in vengeance, "and there is no one whocan hide himself from thy heat."[121] But let mysoul praise thee, that it may love thee, and let it confess thymercies to thee, that it may praise thee. Thywhole creation praises thee without ceasing: the spirit of man, byhis own lips, by his own voice, lifted up to thee; animals andlifeless matter by the mouths of those who meditate upon them.Thus our souls may climb out of their wearinesstoward thee and lean on those things which thou hast created andpass through them to thee, who didst create them in a marvelousway. With thee, there is refreshment and truestrength.　　CHAPTER II　　2. Let the restless and the unrighteousdepart, and flee away from thee. Even so, thouseest them and thy eye pierces through the shadows in which theyrun. For lo, they live in a world of beauty andyet are themselves most foul. And how have theyharmed thee? Or in what way have they discreditedthy power, which is just and perfect in its rule even to the lastitem in creation? Indeed, where would they flywhen they fled from thy presence? Wouldst thou beunable to find them? But they fled that theymight not see thee, who sawest them; that they might be blinded andstumble into thee. But thou forsakest nothingthat thou hast made. The unrighteous stumbleagainst thee that they may be justly plagued, fleeing from thygentleness and colliding with thy justice, and falling on their ownrough paths. For in truth they do not know thatthou art everywhere; that no place contains thee, and that onlythou art near even to those who go farthest from thee.Let them, therefore, turn back and seek thee,because even if they have abandoned thee, their Creator, thou hastnot abandoned thy creatures. Let them turn backand seek thee --　　and lo, thou art there in their hearts, there in the heartsof those who confess to thee. Let them castthemselves upon thee, and weep on thy bosom, after all their wearywanderings; and thou wilt gently wipe away their tears.[122]And they weep the more and rejoice in theirweeping, since thou, O Lord, art not a man of flesh and blood.Thou art the Lord, who canst remake what thoudidst make and canst comfort them. And where wasI when I was seeking thee? There thou wast,before me; but I had gone away, even from myself, and I could notfind myself, much less thee.　　CHAPTER III　　3. Let me now lay bare in the sight of Godthe twenty-ninth year of my age. There had justcome to Carthage a certain bishop of the Manicheans, Faustus byname, a great snare of the devil;　　and many were entangled by him through the charm of hiseloquence.　　Now, even though I found this eloquence admirable, I wasbeginning to distinguish the charm of words from the truth ofthings, which I was eager to learn. Nor did Iconsider the dish as much as I　　did the kind of meat that their famous Faustus served up tome in it. His fame had run before him, as onevery skilled in an honorable learning and pre-eminently skilled inthe liberal arts.　　And as I had already read and stored up in memory many ofthe injunctions of the philosophers, I began to compare some oftheir doctrines with the tedious fables of the Manicheans; and itstruck me that the probability was on the side of the philosophers,whose power reached far enough to enable them to form a fairjudgment of the world, even though they had not discovered thesovereign Lord of it all. For thou art great, OLord, and thou hast respect unto the lowly, but the proud thouknowest afar off.[123] Thou drawest near to nonebut the contrite in heart, and canst not be found by the proud,even if in their inquisitive skill they may number the stars andthe sands, and map out the constellations, and trace the courses ofthe planets.　　4. For it is by the mind and theintelligence which thou gavest them that they investigate thesethings. They have discovered much; and haveforetold, many years in advance, the day, the hour, and the extentof the eclipses of those luminaries, the sun and the moon.Their calculations did not fail, and it came topass as they predicted. And they wrote down therules they had discovered, so that to this day they may be read andfrom them may be calculated in what year and month and day and hourof the day, and at what quarter of its light, either the moon orthe sun will be eclipsed, and it will come to pass just aspredicted.　　And men who are ignorant in these matters marvel and areamazed;　　and those who understand them exult and are exalted.Both, by an impious pride, withdraw from thee andforsake thy light. They foretell an eclipse ofthe sun before it happens, but they do not see their own eclipsewhich is even now occurring. For they do not ask,as religious men should, what is the source of the intelligence bywhich they investigate these matters. Moreover,when they discover that thou didst make them, they do not givethemselves up to thee that thou mightest preserve what thou hastmade. Nor do they offer, as sacrifice to thee,what they have made of themselves. For they donot slaughter their own pride --　　as they do the sacrificial fowls -- nor their owncuriosities by which, like the fishes of the sea, they wanderthrough the unknown paths of the deep. Nor dothey curb their own extravagances as they do those of "the beastsof the field,"[124] so that thou, O　　Lord, "a consuming fire,"[125] mayest burn up their mortalcares and renew them unto immortality.　　5. They do not know the way which is thyword, by which thou didst create all the things that are and alsothe men who measure them, and the senses by which they perceivewhat they measure, and the intelligence whereby they discern thepatterns of measure.　　Thus they know not that thy wisdom is not a matter ofmeasure.[126] But the Only Begotten hath been"made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification"[127]and hath been numbered among us and paid tribute to Caesar.[128]And they do not know this "Way" by which theycould descend from themselves to him in order to ascend through himto him. They did not know this "Way," and so theyfancied themselves exalted to the stars and the shining heavens.And lo, they fell upon the earth, and "theirfoolish heart was darkened."[129] They saw manytrue things about the creature but they do not seek with true pietyfor the Truth, the Architect of Creation, and hence they do notfind him. Or, if they do find him, and know thathe is God, they do not glorify him as God; neither are theythankful but become vain in their imagination, and say that theythemselves are wise, and attribute to themselves what is thine.At the same time, with the most perverseblindness, they wish to attribute to thee their own quality -- sothat they load their lies on thee who art the Truth, "changing theglory of the incorruptible God for an image of corruptible man, andbirds, and four-footed beasts, and creeping things."[130]"They exchanged thy truth for a lie, andworshiped and served the creature rather than theCreator."[131]　　6. Yet I remembered many a true saying ofthe philosophers about the creation, and I saw the confirmation oftheir calculations in the orderly sequence of seasons and in thevisible evidence of the stars. And I comparedthis with the doctrines of Mani, who in his voluminous folly wrotemany books on these subjects. But I could notdiscover there any account, of either the solstices or theequinoxes, or the eclipses of the sun and moon, or anything of thesort that I had learned in the books of secular philosophy.But still I was ordered to believe, even wherethe ideas did not correspond with -- even when they contradicted --the rational theories established by mathematics and my own eyes,but were very different.　　CHAPTER IV　　7. Yet, O Lord God of Truth, is any manpleasing to thee because he knows these things?No, for surely that man is unhappy who knowsthese things and does not know thee. And that manis happy who knows thee, even though he does not know thesethings.　　He who knows both thee and these things is not the moreblessed for his learning, for thou only art his blessing, ifknowing thee as God he glorifies thee and gives thanks and does notbecome vain in his thoughts.　　For just as that man who knows how to possess a tree, andgive thanks to thee for the use of it -- although he may not knowhow many feet high it is or how wide it spreads -- is better thanthe man who can measure it and count all its branches, but neitherowns it nor knows or loves its Creator: just so is a faithful manwho possesses the world's wealth as though he had nothing, andpossesses all things through his union through thee, whom allthings serve, even though he does not know the circlings of theGreat Bear. Just so it is foolish to doubt thatthis faithful man may truly be better than the one who can measurethe heavens and number the stars and weigh the elements, but who isforgetful of thee "who hast set in order all things in number,weight, and measure."[132]　　CHAPTER V　　8. And who ordered this Mani to writeabout these things, knowledge of which is not necessary to piety?For thou hast said to man, "Behold, godliness iswisdom"[133] -- and of this he might have been ignorant, howeverperfectly he may have known these other things.Yet, since he did not know even these otherthings, and most impudently dared to teach them, it is clear thathe had no knowledge of piety. For, even when wehave a knowledge of this worldly lore, it is folly to make a_profession_ of it, when piety comes from _confession_ to thee.From piety, therefore, Mani had gone astray, andall his show of learning only enabled the truly learned toperceive, from his ignorance of what they knew, how little he wasto be trusted to make plain these more really difficult matters.For he did not aim to be lightly esteemed, butwent around trying to persuade men that the Holy Spirit, theComforter and Enricher of thy faithful ones, was personallyresident in him with full authority. And,therefore, when he was detected in manifest errors about the sky,the stars, the movements of the sun and moon, even though thesethings do not relate to religious doctrine, the impious presumptionof the man became clearly evident; for he not only taught thingsabout which he was ignorant but also perverted them, and this withpride so foolish and mad that he sought to claim that his ownutterances were as if they had been those of a divine person.　　9. When I hear of a Christian brother,ignorant of these things, or in error concerning them, I cantolerate his uninformed opinion; and I do not see that any lack ofknowledge as to the form or nature of this material creation can dohim much harm, as long as he does not hold a belief in anythingwhich is unworthy of thee, O Lord, the Creator of all.But if he thinks that his secular knowledgepertains to the essence of the doctrine of piety, or ventures toassert dogmatic opinions in matters in which he is ignorant --there lies the injury. And yet even a weaknesssuch as this, in the infancy of our faith, is tolerated by ourMother Charity until the new man can grow up "unto a perfectman,"　　and not be "carried away with every wind ofdoctrine."[134]　　But Mani had presumed to be at once the teacher, author,guide, and leader of all whom he could persuade to believe this, sothat all who followed him believed that they were following not anordinary man but thy Holy Spirit. And who wouldnot judge that such great madness, when it once stood convicted offalse teaching, should then be abhorred and utterly rejected?But I had not yet clearly decided whether thealternation of day and night, and of longer and shorter days andnights, and the eclipses of sun and moon, and whatever else I readabout in other books could be explained consistently with histheories. If they could have been so explained,there would still have remained a doubt in my mind whether thetheories were right or wrong. Yet I was prepared,on the strength of his reputed godliness, to rest my faith on hisauthority.　　CHAPTER VI　　10. For almost the whole of the nine yearsthat I listened with unsettled mind to the Manichean teaching I hadbeen looking forward with unbounded eagerness to the arrival ofthis Faustus.　　For all the other members of the sect that I happened tomeet, when they were unable to answer the questions I raised,always referred me to his coming. They promisedthat, in discussion with him, these and even greater difficulties,if I had them, would be quite easily and amply cleared away.When at last he did come, I　　found him to be a man of pleasant speech, who spoke of thevery same things they themselves did, although more fluently and ina more agreeable style. But what profit was thereto me in the elegance of my cupbearer, since he could not offer methe more precious draught for which I thirsted?My ears had already had their fill of such stuff,and now it did not seem any better because it was better expressednor more true because it was dressed up in rhetoric; nor could Ithink the man's soul necessarily wise because his face was comelyand his language eloquent. But they who extolledhim to me were not competent judges. They thoughthim able and wise because his eloquence delighted them.At the same time I realized that there is anotherkind of man who is suspicious even of truth itself, if it isexpressed in smooth and flowing language. Butthou, O my God, hadst already taught me in wonderful and marvelousways, and therefore I believed -- because it is true -- that thoudidst teach me and that beside thee there is no other teacher oftruth, wherever truth shines forth. Already I hadlearned from thee that because a thing is eloquently expressed itshould not be taken to be as necessarily true; nor because it isuttered with stammering lips should it be supposed false.Nor, again, is it necessarily true because rudelyuttered, nor untrue because the language is brilliant.Wisdom and folly both are like meats that arewholesome and unwholesome, and courtly or simple words are liketown-made or rustic vessels -- both kinds of food may be served ineither kind of dish.　　11. That eagerness, therefore, with whichI had so long awaited this man, was in truth delighted with hisaction and feeling in a disputation, and with the fluent and aptwords with which he clothed his ideas. I wasdelighted, therefore, and I　　joined with others -- and even exceeded them -- in exaltingand praising him. Yet it was a source ofannoyance to me that, in his lecture room, I was not allowed tointroduce and raise any of those questions that troubled me, in afamiliar exchange of discussion with him. As soonas I found an opportunity for this, and gained his ear at a timewhen it was not inconvenient for him to enter into a discussionwith me and my friends, I laid before him some of my doubts.I discovered at once that he knew nothing of theliberal arts except grammar, and that only in an ordinary way.He had, however, read some of Tully's orations, avery few books of Seneca, and some of the poets, and such few booksof his own sect as were written in good Latin.With this meager learning and his daily practicein speaking, he had acquired a sort of eloquence which proved themore delightful and enticing because it was under the direction ofa ready wit and a sort of native grace.　　Was this not even as I now recall it, O Lord my God, Judgeof my conscience? My heart and my memory are laidopen before thee, who wast even then guiding me by the secretimpulse of thy providence and wast setting my shameful errorsbefore my face so that I might see and hate them.　　CHAPTER VII　　12. For as soon as it became plain to methat Faustus was ignorant in those arts in which I had believed himeminent, I　　began to despair of his being able to clarify and explainall these perplexities that troubled me -- though I realized thatsuch ignorance need not have affected the authenticity of hispiety, if he had not been a Manichean. For theirbooks are full of long fables about the sky and the stars, the sunand the moon; and I　　had ceased to believe him able to show me in anysatisfactory fashion what I so ardently desired: whether theexplanations contained in the Manichean books were better or atleast as good as the mathematical explanations I had readelsewhere. But when I　　proposed that these subjects should be considered anddiscussed, he quite modestly did not dare to undertake the task,for he was aware that he had no knowledge of these things and wasnot ashamed to confess it. For he was not one ofthose talkative people --　　from whom I had endured so much -- who undertook to teach mewhat I wanted to know, and then said nothing.Faustus had a heart which, if not right towardthee, was at least not altogether false toward himself; for he wasnot ignorant of his own ignorance, and he did not choose to beentangled in a controversy from which he could not draw back orretire gracefully. For this I liked him all themore. For the modesty of an ingenious mind is afiner thing than the acquisition of that knowledge I desired; andthis I　　found to be his attitude toward all abstruse and difficultquestions.　　13. Thus the zeal with which I had plungedinto the Manichean system was checked, and I despaired even more oftheir other teachers, because Faustus who was so famous among themhad turned out so poorly in the various matters that puzzled me.And so I began to occupy myself with him in thestudy of his own favorite pursuit, that of literature, in which Iwas already teaching a class as a professor of rhetoric among theyoung Carthaginian students. With Faustus then Iread whatever he himself wished to read, or what I judged suitableto his bent of mind. But all my endeavors to makefurther progress in Manicheism came completely to an end through myacquaintance with that man.　　I did not wholly separate myself from them, but as one whohad not yet found anything better I decided to content myself, forthe time being, with what I had stumbled upon one way or another,until by chance something more desirable should presentitself.　　Thus that Faustus who had entrapped so many to their death--　　though neither willing nor witting it -- now began to loosenthe snare in which I had been caught. For thyhands, O my God, in the hidden design of thy providence did notdesert my soul; and out of the blood of my mother's heart, throughthe tears that she poured out by day and by night, there was asacrifice offered to thee for me, and by marvelous ways thou didstdeal with me. For it was thou, O my God, whodidst it: for "the steps of a man are ordered by the Lord, and heshall choose his way."[135] How shall we attainsalvation without thy hand remaking what it had already made?　　CHAPTER VIII　　14. Thou didst so deal with me, therefore,that I was persuaded to go to Rome and teach there what I had beenteaching at Carthage. And how I was persuaded todo this I will not omit to confess to thee, for in this also theprofoundest workings of thy wisdom and thy constant mercy toward usmust be pondered and acknowledged. I did not wishto go to Rome because of the richer fees and the higher dignitywhich my friends promised me there --　　though these considerations did affect my decision.My principal and almost sole motive was that Ihad been informed that the students there studied more quietly andwere better kept under the control of stern discipline, so thatthey did not capriciously and impudently rush into the classroom ofa teacher not their own --　　indeed, they were not admitted at all without the permissionof the teacher. At Carthage, on the contrary,there was a shameful and intemperate license among the students.They burst in rudely and, with furious gestures,would disrupt the discipline which the teacher had established forthe good of his pupils. Many outrages theyperpetrated with astounding effrontery, things that would bepunishable by law if they were not sustained by custom.Thus custom makes plain that such behavior is allthe more worthless because it allows men to do what thy eternal lawnever will allow.　　They think that they act thus with impunity, though the veryblindness with which they act is their punishment, and they sufferfar greater harm than they inflict.　　The manners that I would not adopt as a student I wascompelled as a teacher to endure in others. Andso I was glad to go where all who knew the situation assured methat such conduct was not allowed. But thou, "Omy refuge and my portion in the land of the living,"[136] didstgoad me thus at Carthage so that I　　might thereby be pulled away from it and change my worldlyhabitation for the preservation of my soul. Atthe same time, thou didst offer me at Rome an enticement, throughthe agency of men enchanted with this death-in-life -- by theirinsane conduct in the one place and their empty promises in theother. To correct my wandering footsteps, thoudidst secretly employ their perversity and my own.For those who disturbed my tranquillity wereblinded by shameful madness and also those who allured me elsewherehad nothing better than the earth's cunning. AndI who hated actual misery in the one place sought fictitioushappiness in the other.　　15. Thou knewest the cause of my goingfrom one country to the other, O God, but thou didst not discloseit either to me or to my mother, who grieved deeply over mydeparture and followed me down to the sea. Sheclasped me tight in her embrace, willing either to keep me back orto go with me, but I deceived her, pretending that I had a friendwhom I could not leave until he had a favorable wind to set sail.Thus I lied to my mother -- and such a mother! --and escaped. For this too thou didst mercifullypardon me -- fool that I was -- and didst preserve me from thewaters of the sea for the water of thy grace; so that, when I waspurified by that, the fountain of my mother's eyes, from which shehad daily watered the ground for me as she prayed to thee, shouldbe dried. And, since she refused to returnwithout me, I　　persuaded her, with some difficulty, to remain that night ina place quite close to our ship, where there was a shrine in memoryof the blessed Cyprian. That night I slipped awaysecretly, and she remained to pray and weep. Andwhat was it, O Lord, that she was asking of thee in such a flood oftears but that thou wouldst not allow me to sail?But thou, taking thy own secret counsel andnoting the real point to her desire, didst not grant what she wasthen asking in order to grant to her the thing that she had alwaysbeen asking.　　The wind blew and filled our sails, and the shore droppedout of sight. Wild with grief, she was there thenext morning and filled thy ears with complaints and groans whichthou didst disregard, although, at the very same time, thou wastusing my longings as a means and wast hastening me on to thefulfillment of all longing. Thus the earthly partof her love to me was justly purged by the scourge of sorrow.Still, like all mothers --　　though even more than others -- she loved to have me withher, and did not know what joy thou wast preparing for her throughmy going away. Not knowing this secret end, shewept and mourned and saw in her agony the inheritance of Eve --seeking in sorrow what she had brought forth in sorrow.And yet, after accusing me of perfidy andcruelty, she still continued her intercessions for me to thee.She returned to her own home, and I went on toRome.　　CHAPTER IX　　16. And lo, I was received in Rome by thescourge of bodily sickness; and I was very near to falling intohell, burdened with all the many and grievous sins I had committedagainst thee, myself, and others -- all over and above that fetterof original sin whereby we all die in Adam. Forthou hadst forgiven me none of these things in Christ, neither hadhe abolished by his cross the enmity[137] that I had incurred fromthee through my sins.　　For how could he do so by the crucifixion of a phantom,which was all I supposed him to be? The death ofmy soul was as real then as the death of his flesh appeared to meunreal. And the life of my soul was as false,because it was as unreal as the death of his flesh was real, thoughI believed it not.　　My fever increased, and I was on the verge of passing awayand perishing; for, if I had passed away then, where should I havegone but into the fiery torment which my misdeeds deserved,measured by the truth of thy rule? My mother knewnothing of this; yet, far away, she went on praying for me.And thou, present everywhere, didst hear herwhere she was and had pity on me where I was, so that I regained mybodily health, although I　　was still disordered in my sacrilegious heart.For that peril of death did not make me wish tobe baptized. I was even better when, as a lad, Ientreated baptism of my mother's devotion, as I　　have already related and confessed.[138]But now I had since increased in dishonor, and Imadly scoffed at all the purposes of thy medicine which would nothave allowed me, though a sinner such as I was, to die a doubledeath. Had my mother's heart been pierced withthis wound, it never could have been cured, for I　　cannot adequately tell of the love she had for me, or howshe still travailed for me in the spirit with a far keener anguishthan when she bore me in the flesh.　　17. I cannot conceive, therefore, how shecould have been healed if my death (still in my sins) had piercedher inmost love.　　Where, then, would have been all her earnest, frequent, andceaseless prayers to thee? Nowhere but with thee.But couldst thou, O most merciful God, despisethe "contrite and humble heart"[139] of that pure and prudentwidow, who was so constant in her alms, so gracious and attentiveto thy saints, never missing a visit to church twice a day, morningand evening -- and this not for vain gossiping, nor old wives'fables, but in order that she might listen to thee in thy sermons,and thou to her in her prayers? Couldst thou, bywhose gifts she was so inspired, despise and disregard the tears ofsuch a one without coming to her aid -- those tears by which sheentreated thee, not for gold or silver, and not for any changing orfleeting good, but for the salvation of the soul of her son?By no means, O Lord. It iscertain that thou wast near and wast hearing and wast carrying outthe plan by which thou hadst predetermined it should be done.Far be it from thee that thou shouldst havedeluded her in those visions and the answers she had received fromthee -- some of which I have mentioned, and others not -- which shekept in her faithful heart, and, forever beseeching, urged them onthee as if they had thy own signature. For thou,"because thy mercy endureth forever,"[140] hast so condescended tothose whose debts thou hast pardoned that thou likewise dost becomea debtor by thy promises.　　CHAPTER X　　18. Thou didst restore me then from thatillness, and didst heal the son of thy handmaid in his body, thathe might live for thee and that thou mightest endow him with abetter and more certain health. After this, atRome, I again joined those deluding and deluded "saints"; and nottheir "hearers" only, such as the man was in whose house I hadfallen sick, but also with those whom they called "the elect." Forit still seemed to me "that it is not we who sin, but some othernature sinned in us."　　And it gratified my pride to be beyond blame, and when _I_did anything wrong not to have to confess that _I_ had done wrong--　　"that thou mightest heal my soul because it had sinnedagainst thee"[141] -- and I loved to excuse my soul and to accusesomething else inside me (I knew not what) but which was notI.　　But, assuredly, it was I, and it was my impiety that haddivided me against myself. That sin then was allthe more incurable because I did not deem myself a sinner.It was an execrable iniquity, O God Omnipotent,that I would have preferred to have thee defeated in me, to mydestruction, than to be defeated by thee to my salvation.Not yet, therefore, hadst thou set a watch uponmy mouth and a door around my lips that my heart might not inclineto evil speech, to make excuse for sin with men that workiniquity.[142] And, therefore, I continued stillin the company of their "elect."　　19. But now, hopeless of gaining anyprofit from that false doctrine, I began to hold more loosely andnegligently even to those points which I had decided to restcontent with, if I could find nothing better. Iwas now half inclined to believe that those philosophers whom theycall "The Academics"[143] were wiser than the rest in holding thatwe ought to doubt everything, and in maintaining that man does nothave the power of comprehending any certain truth, for, although Ihad not yet understood their meaning, I was fully persuaded thatthey thought just as they are commonly reputed to do.And I did not fail openly to dissuade my hostfrom his confidence which I observed that he had in those fictionsof which the works of Mani are full. For allthis, I was still on terms of more intimate friendship with thesepeople than with others who were not of their heresy.I did not indeed defend it with my former ardor;but my familiarity with that group -- and there were many of themconcealed in Rome at that time[144] --　　made me slower to seek any other way. Thiswas particularly easy since I had no hope of finding in thy Churchthe truth from which they had turned me aside, O Lord of heaven andearth, Creator of all things visible and invisible.And it still seemed to me most unseemly tobelieve that thou couldst have the form of human flesh and bebounded by the bodily shape of our limbs. Andwhen I　　desired to meditate on my God, I did not know what to thinkof but a huge extended body -- for what did not have bodilyextension did not seem to me to exist -- and this was the greatestand almost the sole cause of my unavoidable errors.　　20. And thus I also believed that evil wasa similar kind of substance, and that it had its own hideous anddeformed extended body -- either in a dense form which they calledthe earth or in a thin and subtle form as, for example, thesubstance of the air, which they imagined as some malignant spiritpenetrating that earth. And because my piety --such as it was -- still compelled me to believe that the good Godnever created any evil substance, I formed the idea of two masses,one opposed to the other, both infinite but with the evil morecontracted and the good more expansive. And fromthis diseased beginning, the other sacrileges followed after.　　For when my mind tried to turn back to the Catholic faith,I　　was cast down, since the Catholic faith was not what Ijudged it to be. And it seemed to me a greaterpiety to regard thee, my God -- to whom I make confession of thymercies -- as infinite in all respects save that one: where theextended mass of evil stood opposed to thee, where I was compelledto confess that thou art finite -- than if I should think that thoucouldst be confined by the form of a human body on every side.And it seemed better to me to believe that noevil had been created by thee -- for in my ignorance evil appearednot only to be some kind of substance but a corporeal one at that.This was because I had, thus far, no conceptionof mind, except as a subtle body diffused throughout local spaces.This seemed better than to believe that anythingcould emanate from thee which had the character that I consideredevil to be in its nature. And I believed that ourSaviour himself also -- thy Only Begotten -- had been broughtforth, as it were, for our salvation out of the mass of thy brightshining substance.　　So that I could believe nothing about him except what I wasable to harmonize with these vain imaginations. Ithought, therefore, that such a nature could not be born of theVirgin Mary without being mingled with the flesh, and I could notsee how the divine substance, as I had conceived it, could bemingled thus without being contaminated. I wasafraid, therefore, to believe that he had been born in the flesh,lest I should also be compelled to believe that he had beencontaminated by the flesh. Now will thy spiritualones smile blandly and lovingly at me if they read theseconfessions. Yet such was I.　　CHAPTER XI　　21. Furthermore, the things they censuredin thy Scriptures I thought impossible to be defended.And yet, occasionally, I　　desired to confer on various matters with someone welllearned in those books, to test what he thought of them.For already the words of one Elpidius, who spokeand disputed face to face against these same Manicheans, had begunto impress me, even when I was at Carthage; because he broughtforth things out of the Scriptures that were not easily withstood,to which their answers appeared to me feeble. Oneof their answers they did not give forth publicly, but only to usin private -- when they said that the writings of the New Testamenthad been tampered with by unknown persons who desired to ingraftthe Jewish law into the Christian faith. But theythemselves never brought forward any uncorrupted copies.　　Still thinking in corporeal categories and very muchensnared and to some extent stifled, I was borne down by thoseconceptions of bodily substance. I panted underthis load for the air of thy truth, but I was not able to breatheit pure and undefiled.　　CHAPTER XII　　22. I set about diligently to practicewhat I came to Rome to do -- the teaching of rhetoric.The first task was to bring together in my home afew people to whom and through whom I had begun to be known.And lo, I then began to learn that other offenseswere committed in Rome which I had not had to bear in Africa.Just as I had been told, those riotousdisruptions by young blackguards were not practiced here.Yet, now, my friends told me, many of the Romanstudents -- breakers of faith, who, for the love of money, set asmall value on justice -- would conspire together and suddenlytransfer to another teacher, to evade paying their master's fees.My heart hated such people, though not with a"perfect hatred"[145]; for doubtless I hated them more becauseI　　was to suffer from them than on account of their own illicitacts.　　Still, such people are base indeed; they fornicate againstthee, for they love the transitory mockeries of temporal things andthe filthy gain which begrimes the hand that grabs it; they embracethe fleeting world and scorn thee, who abidest and invitest us toreturn to thee and who pardonest the prostituted human soul when itdoes return to thee. Now I hate such crooked andperverse men, although I love them if they will be corrected andcome to prefer the learning they obtain to money and, above all, toprefer thee to such learning, O God, the truth and fullness of ourpositive good, and our most pure peace. But thenthe wish was stronger in me for my own sake not to suffer evil fromthem than was my desire that they should become good for thysake.　　CHAPTER XIII　　23. When, therefore, the officials ofMilan sent to Rome, to the prefect of the city, to ask that heprovide them with a teacher of rhetoric for their city and to sendhim at the public expense, I applied for the job through those samepersons, drunk with the Manichean vanities, to be freed from whom Iwas going away -- though neither they nor I were aware of it at thetime.　　They recommended that Symmachus, who was then prefect, afterhe had proved me by audition, should appoint me.　　And to Milan I came, to Ambrose the bishop, famed throughthe whole world as one of the best of men, thy devoted servant.His eloquent discourse in those times abundantlyprovided thy people with the flour of thy wheat, the gladness ofthy oil, and the sober intoxication of thy wine.[146]To him I was led by thee without my knowledge,that by him I might be led to thee in full knowledge.That man of God received me as a father would,and welcomed my coming as a good bishop should.And I began to love him, of course, not at thefirst as a teacher of the truth, for I　　had entirely despaired of finding that in thy Church -- butas a friendly man. And I studiously listened tohim -- though not with the right motive -- as he preached to thepeople. I was trying to discover whether hiseloquence came up to his reputation, and whether it flowed fulleror thinner than others said it did. And thus Ihung on his words intently, but, as to his subject matter, I wasonly a careless and contemptuous listener. I wasdelighted with the charm of his speech, which was more erudite,though less cheerful and soothing, than Faustus' style.As for subject matter, however, there could be nocomparison, for the latter was wandering around in Manicheandeceptions, while the former was teaching salvation most soundly.But "salvation is far from the wicked,"[147] suchas I was then when I stood before him. YetI　　was drawing nearer, gradually and unconsciously.　　CHAPTER XIV　　24. For, although I took no trouble tolearn what he said, but only to hear how he said it -- for thisempty concern remained foremost with me as long as I despaired offinding a clear path from man to thee -- yet, along with theeloquence I prized, there also came into my mind the ideas which Iignored; for I could not separate them. And,while I opened my heart to acknowledge how skillfully he spoke,there also came an awareness of how _truly_　　he spoke -- but only gradually. First ofall, his ideas had already begun to appear to me defensible; andthe Catholic faith, for which I supposed that nothing could be saidagainst the onslaught of the Manicheans, I now realized could bemaintained without presumption. This wasespecially clear after I had heard one or two parts of the OldTestament explained allegorically --　　whereas before this, when I had interpreted them literally,they had "killed" me spiritually.[148] However,when many of these passages in those books were expounded to methus, I came to blame my own despair for having believed that noreply could be given to those who hated and scoffed at the Law andthe Prophets. Yet I　　did not see that this was reason enough to follow theCatholic way, just because it had learned advocates who couldanswer objections adequately and without absurdity.Nor could I see that what I had held toheretofore should now be condemned, because both sides were equallydefensible. For that way did not appear to me yetvanquished; but neither did it seem yet victorious.　　25. But now I earnestly bent my mind torequire if there was possible any way to prove the Manicheansguilty of falsehood. If I could have conceived ofa spiritual substance, all their strongholds would have collapsedand been cast out of my mind.　　But I could not. Still, concerning thebody of this world, nature as a whole -- now that I was able toconsider and compare such things more and more -- I now decidedthat the majority of the philosophers held the more probable views.So, in what I thought was the method of theAcademics -- doubting everything and fluctuating between all theoptions -- I came to the conclusion that the Manicheans were to beabandoned. For I judged, even in that period ofdoubt, that I could not remain in a sect to which I　　preferred some of the philosophers. But Irefused to commit the cure of my fainting soul to the philosophers,because they were without the saving name of Christ.I resolved, therefore, to become a catechumen inthe Catholic Church -- which my parents had so much urged upon me-- until something certain shone forth by which I might guide mycourse.　　BOOK SIX　　Turmoil in the twenties. Monica followsAugustine to Milan and finds him a catechumen in the CatholicChurch. Both admire Ambrose but Augustine gets no help from him onhis personal problems. Ambition spurs and Alypiusand Nebridius join him in a confused quest for the happy life.Augustine becomes engaged, dismisses his firstmistress, takes another, and continues his fruitless search fortruth.　　CHAPTER I　　1. O Hope from my youth,[149] where wastthou to me and where hadst thou gone away?[150]For hadst thou not created me and differentiatedme from the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, making mewiser than they? And yet I was wandering about ina dark and slippery way, seeking thee outside myself and thus notfinding the God of my heart. I had gone down intothe depths of the sea and had lost faith, and had despaired of everfinding the truth.　　By this time my mother had come to me, having mustered thecourage of piety, following over sea and land, secure in theethrough all the perils of the journey. For in thedangers of the voyage she comforted the sailors -- to whom theinexperienced voyagers, when alarmed, were accustomed to go forcomfort -- and assured them of a safe arrival because she had beenso assured by thee in a vision.　　She found me in deadly peril through my despair of everfinding the truth. But when I told her that I wasnow no longer a Manichean, though not yet a Catholic Christian, shedid not leap for joy as if this were unexpected; for she hadalready been reassured about that part of my misery for which shehad mourned me as one dead, but also as one who would be raised tothee. She had carried me out on the bier of herthoughts, that thou mightest say to the widow's son, "Young man, Isay unto you, arise!"[151]　　and then he would revive and begin to speak, and thouwouldst deliver him to his mother. Therefore, herheart was not agitated with any violent exultation when she heardthat so great a part of what she daily entreated thee to do hadactually already been done -- that, though I had not yet graspedthe truth, I was rescued from falsehood. Instead,she was fully confident that thou who hadst promised the wholewould give her the rest, and thus most calmly, and with a fullyconfident heart, she replied to me that she believed, in Christ,that before she died she would see me a faithful Catholic.And she said no more than this to me.But to thee, O Fountain of mercy, she poured outstill more frequent prayers and tears that thou wouldst hasten thyaid and enlighten my darkness, and she hurried all the morezealously to the church and hung upon the words of Ambrose, prayingfor the fountain of water that springs up into everlastinglife.[152] For she loved that man as an angel ofGod, since she knew that it was by him that I had been brought thusfar to that wavering state of agitation I was now in, through whichshe was fully persuaded I　　should pass from sickness to health, even though it would beafter a still sharper convulsion which physicians call "thecrisis."　　CHAPTER II　　2. So also my mother brought to certainoratories, erected in the memory of the saints, offerings ofporridge, bread, and wine -- as had been her custom in Africa --and she was forbidden to do so by the doorkeeper [ostiarius].And as soon as she learned that it was the bishopwho had forbidden it, she acquiesced so devoutly and obedientlythat I myself marveled how readily she could bring herself to turncritic of her own customs, rather than question his prohibition.For winebibbing had not taken possession of herspirit, nor did the love of wine stimulate her to hate the truth,as it does too many, both male and female, who turn as sick at ahymn to sobriety as drunkards do at a draught of water.When she had brought her basket with the festivegifts, which she would taste first herself and give the rest away,she would never allow herself more than one little cup of wine,diluted according to her own temperate palate, which she wouldtaste out of courtesy. And, if there were manyoratories of departed saints that ought to be honored in the sameway, she still carried around with her the same little cup, to beused everywhere. This became not only very muchwatered but also quite tepid with carrying it about.She would distribute it by small sips to thosearound, for she sought to stimulate their devotion, notpleasure.　　But as soon as she found that this custom was forbidden bythat famous preacher and most pious prelate, even to those whowould use it in moderation, lest thereby it might be an occasion ofgluttony for those who were already drunken (and also because thesefunereal memorials were very much like some of the superstitiouspractices of the pagans), she most willingly abstained from it.And, in place of a basket filled with fruits ofthe earth, she had learned to bring to the oratories of the martyrsa heart full of purer petitions, and to give all that she could tothe poor -- so that the Communion of the Lord's body might berightly celebrated in those places where, after the example of hisPassion, the martyrs had been sacrificed and crowned.But yet it seems to me, O Lord my God -- and myheart thinks of it this way in thy sight -- that my mother wouldprobably not have given way so easily to the rejection of thiscustom if it had been forbidden by another, whom she did not loveas she did Ambrose. For, out of her concern formy salvation, she loved him most dearly; and he loved her truly, onaccount of her faithful religious life, in which she frequented thechurch with good works, "fervent in spirit."[153]Thus he would, when he saw me, often burst forthinto praise of her, congratulating me that I　　had such a mother -- little knowing what a son she had inme, who was still a skeptic in all these matters and who could notconceive that the way of life could be found out.　　CHAPTER III　　3. Nor had I come yet to groan in myprayers that thou wouldst help me. My mind waswholly intent on knowledge and eager for disputation.Ambrose himself I esteemed a happy man, as theworld counted happiness, because great personages held him inhonor. Only his celibacy appeared to me a painfulburden. But what hope he cherished, whatstruggles he had against the temptations that beset his highstation, what solace in adversity, and what savory joys thy breadpossessed for the hidden mouth of his heart when feeding on it, Icould neither conjecture nor experience.　　Nor did he know my own frustrations, nor the pit of mydanger. For I could not request of him what Iwanted as I wanted it, because I was debarred from hearing andspeaking to him by crowds of busy people to whose infirmities hedevoted himself.　　And when he was not engaged with them -- which was never forlong at a time -- he was either refreshing his body with necessaryfood or his mind with reading.　　Now, as he read, his eyes glanced over the pages and hisheart searched out the sense, but his voice and tongue were silent.Often when we came to his room -- for no one wasforbidden to enter, nor was it his custom that the arrival ofvisitors should be announced to him -- we would see him thusreading to himself. After we had sat for a longtime in silence -- for who would dare interrupt one so intent? --we would then depart, realizing that he was unwilling to bedistracted in the little time he could gain for the recruiting ofhis mind, free from the clamor of other men's business.Perhaps he was fearful lest, if the author he wasstudying should express himself vaguely, some doubtful andattentive hearer would ask him to expound it or discuss some of themore abstruse questions, so that he could not get over as muchmaterial as he wished, if his time was occupied with others.And even a truer reason for his reading tohimself might have been the care for preserving his voice, whichwas very easily weakened. Whatever his motive wasin so doing, it was doubtless, in such a man, a good one.　　4. But actually I could find noopportunity of putting the questions I desired to that holy oracleof thine in his heart, unless it was a matter which could be dealtwith briefly.　　However, those surgings in me required that he should giveme his full leisure so that I might pour them out to him; but Inever found him so. I heard him, indeed, everyLord's Day, "rightly dividing the word of truth"[154] among thepeople. And I became all the more convinced thatall those knots of crafty calumnies which those deceivers of ourshad knit together against the divine books could beunraveled.　　I soon understood that the statement that man was made afterthe image of Him that created him[155] was not understood by thyspiritual sons -- whom thou hadst regenerated through the CatholicMother[156] through grace -- as if they believed and imagined thatthou wert bounded by a human form, although what was the nature ofa spiritual substance I had not the faintest or vaguestnotion.　　Still rejoicing, I blushed that for so many years I hadbayed, not against the Catholic faith, but against the fables offleshly imagination. For I had been both impiousand rash in this, that I　　had condemned by pronouncement what I ought to have learnedby inquiry. For thou, O Most High, and most near,most secret, yet most present, who dost not have limbs, some ofwhich are larger and some smaller, but who art wholly everywhereand nowhere in space, and art not shaped by some corporeal form:thou didst create man after thy own image and, see, he dwells inspace, both head and feet.　　CHAPTER IV　　5. Since I could not then understand howthis image of thine could subsist, I should have knocked on thedoor and propounded the doubt as to how it was to be believed, andnot have insultingly opposed it as if it were actuallybelieved.　　Therefore, my anxiety as to what I could retain as certaingnawed all the more sharply into my soul, and I felt quite ashamedbecause during the long time I had been deluded and deceived by the[Manichean] promises of certainties, I had, with childishpetulance, prated of so many uncertainties as if they were certain.That they were falsehoods became apparent to meonly afterward. However, I was certain that theywere uncertain and since I had held them as certainly uncertain Ihad accused thy Catholic Church with a blind contentiousness.I had not yet discovered that it taught thetruth, but I now knew that it did not teach what I had sovehemently accused it of. In this respect, atleast, I was confounded and converted; and I rejoiced, O my God,that the one Church, the body of thy only Son -- in which the nameof Christ had been sealed upon me as an infant --　　did not relish these childish trifles and did not maintainin its sound doctrine any tenet that would involve pressing thee,the Creator of all, into space, which, however extended andimmense, would still be bounded on all sides -- like the shape of ahuman body.　　6. I was also glad that the old Scripturesof the Law and the Prophets were laid before me to be read, not nowwith an eye to what had seemed absurd in them when formerly Icensured thy holy ones for thinking thus, when they actually didnot think in that way. And I listened withdelight to Ambrose, in his sermons to the people, oftenrecommending this text most diligently as a rule: "The letterkills, but the spirit gives life,"[157] while at the same time hedrew aside the mystic veil and opened to view the spiritual meaningof what seemed to teach perverse doctrine if it were takenaccording to the letter. I found nothing in histeachings that offended me, though I could not yet know for certainwhether what he taught was true. For all thistime I　　restrained my heart from assenting to anything, fearing tofall headlong into error. Instead, by thishanging in suspense, I was being strangled.[158]For my desire was to be as certain of invisiblethings as I was that seven and three are ten. Iwas not so deranged as to believe that _this_ could not becomprehended, but my desire was to have other things as clear asthis, whether they were physical objects, which were not present tomy senses, or spiritual objects, which I did not know how toconceive of except in physical terms.　　If I could have believed, I might have been cured, and, withthe sight of my soul cleared up, it might in some way have beendirected toward thy truth, which always abides and fails innothing. But, just as it happens that a man whohas tried a bad physician fears to trust himself with a good one,so it was with the health of my soul, which could not be healedexcept by believing. But lest it should believefalsehoods, it refused to be cured, resisting thy hand, who hastprepared for us the medicines of faith and applied them to themaladies of the whole world, and endowed them with such greatefficacy.　　CHAPTER V　　7. Still, from this time forward, I beganto prefer the Catholic doctrine. I felt that itwas with moderation and honesty that it commanded things to bebelieved that were not demonstrated -- whether they could bedemonstrated, but not to everyone, or whether they could not bedemonstrated at all. This was far better than themethod of the Manicheans, in which our credulity was mocked by anaudacious promise of knowledge and then many fabulous and absurdthings were forced upon believers _because_　　they were incapable of demonstration.After that, O Lord, little by little, with agentle and most merciful hand, drawing and calming my heart, thoudidst persuade me that, if I took into account the multitude ofthings I had never seen, nor been present when they were enacted --such as many of the events of secular history; and the numerousreports of places and cities which I had not seen; or such as myrelations with many friends, or physicians, or with these men andthose -- that unless we should believe, we should do nothing at allin this life.[159] Finally, I was impressed withwhat an unalterable assurance I believed which two people were myparents, though this was impossible for me to know otherwise thanby hearsay. By bringing all this into myconsideration, thou didst persuade me that it was not the ones whobelieved thy books -- which with so great authority thou hastestablished among nearly all nations -- but those who did notbelieve them who were to be blamed. Moreover,those men were not to be listened to who would say to me, "How doyou know that those Scriptures were imparted to mankind by theSpirit of the one and most true God?" For thiswas the point that was most of all to be believed, since nowranglings of blasphemous questions such as I　　had read in the books of the self-contradicting philosopherscould once snatch from me the belief that thou dost exist --although _what_ thou art I did not know -- and that to thee belongsthe governance of human affairs.　　8. This much I believed, some times morestrongly than other times. But I always believedboth that thou art and that thou hast a care for us,[160] althoughI was ignorant both as to what should be thought about thysubstance and as to which way led, or led back, to thee.Thus, since we are too weak by unaided reason tofind out truth, and since, because of this, we need the authorityof the Holy Writings, I had now begun to believe that thou wouldstnot, under any circumstances, have given such eminent authority tothose Scriptures throughout all lands if it had not been thatthrough them thy will may be believed in and that thou mightest besought. For, as to those passages in theScripture which had heretofore appeared incongruous and offensiveto me, now that I had heard several of them expounded reasonably, Icould see that they were to be resolved by the mysteries ofspiritual interpretation. The authority ofScripture seemed to me all the more revered and worthy of devoutbelief because, although it was visible for all to read, itreserved the full majesty of its secret wisdom within its spiritualprofundity. While it stooped to all in the greatplainness of its language and simplicity of style, it yet requiredthe closest attention of the most serious-　　minded -- so that it might receive all into its commonbosom, and direct some few through its narrow passages toward thee,yet many more than would have been the case had there not been init such a lofty authority, which nevertheless allured multitudes toits bosom by its holy humility. I continued toreflect upon these things, and thou wast with me.I sighed, and thou didst hear me.　　I vacillated, and thou guidedst me. Iroamed the broad way of the world, and thou didst not desertme.　　CHAPTER VI　　9. I was still eagerly aspiring to honors,money, and matrimony; and thou didst mock me. Inpursuit of these ambitions I endured the most bitter hardships, inwhich thou wast being the more gracious the less thou wouldst allowanything that was not thee to grow sweet to me.Look into my heart, O Lord, whose prompting it isthat I should recall all this, and confess it to thee.Now let my soul cleave to thee, now that thouhast freed her from that fast-sticking glue of death.　　How wretched she was! And thou didstirritate her sore wound so that she might forsake all else and turnto thee -- who art above all and without whom all things would benothing at all --　　so that she should be converted and healed.How wretched I was at that time, and how thoudidst deal with me so as to make me aware of my wretchedness, Irecall from the incident of the day on which I was preparing torecite a panegyric on the emperor. In it I was todeliver many a lie, and the lying was to be applauded by those whoknew I was lying. My heart was agitated with thissense of guilt and it seethed with the fever of my uneasiness.For, while walking along one of the streets ofMilan, I saw a poor beggar --　　with what I believe was a full belly -- joking andhilarious. And I sighed and spoke to the friendsaround me of the many sorrows that flowed from our madness, becausein spite of all our exertions -- such as those I was then laboringin, dragging the burden of my unhappiness under the spur ofambition, and, by dragging it, increasing it at the same time --still and all we aimed only to attain that very happiness whichthis beggar had reached before us; and there was a grim chance thatwe should never attain it! For what he hadobtained through a few coins, got by his begging, I was stillscheming for by many a wretched and tortuous turning -- namely, thejoy of a passing felicity. He had not, indeed,gained true joy, but, at the same time, with all my ambitions, Iwas seeking one still more untrue. Anyhow, he wasnow joyous and I was anxious. He was free fromcare, and I was full of alarms. Now, if anyoneshould inquire of me whether I　　should prefer to be merry or anxious, I would reply,"Merry."　　Again, if I had been asked whether I should prefer to be ashe was or as I myself then was, I would have chosen to be myself;though I was beset with cares and alarms. Butwould not this have been a false choice? Was thecontrast valid? Actually, I ought not to prefermyself to him because I happened to be more learned than he was;for I got no great pleasure from my learning, but sought, rather,to please men by its exhibition -- and this not to instruct, butonly to please. Thus thou didst break my boneswith the rod of thy correction.　　10. Let my soul take its leave of thosewho say: "It makes a difference as to the object from which a manderives his joy. The beggar rejoiced indrunkenness; you longed to rejoice in glory."　　What glory, O Lord? The kind that is notin thee, for, just as his was no true joy, so was mine no trueglory; but it turned my head all the more. Hewould get over his drunkenness that same night, but I had sleptwith mine many a night and risen again with it, and was to sleepagain and rise again with it, I know not how many times.It does indeed make a difference as to the objectfrom which a man's joy is gained. I know this isso, and I know that the joy of a faithful hope is incomparablybeyond such vanity. Yet, at the same time, thisbeggar was beyond me, for he truly was the happier man -- not onlybecause he was thoroughly steeped in his mirth while I was torn topieces with my cares, but because he had gotten his wine by givinggood wishes to the passers-by while I was following after theambition of my pride by lying. Much to thiseffect I said to my good companions, and I　　saw how readily they reacted pretty much as I did.Thus I found that it went ill with me; and Ifretted, and doubled that very ill. And if anyprosperity smiled upon me, I loathed to seize it, for almost beforeI could grasp it, it would fly away.　　CHAPTER VII　　11. Those of us who were living likefriends together used to bemoan our lot in our common talk; but Idiscussed it with Alypius and Nebridius more especially and in veryfamiliar terms.　　Alypius had been born in the same town as I; his parentswere of the highest rank there, but he was a bit younger than I.He had studied under me when I first taught inour town, and then afterward at Carthage. Heesteemed me highly because I appeared to him good and learned, andI esteemed him for his inborn love of virtue, which was uncommonlymarked in a man so young. But in the whirlpool ofCarthaginian fashion -- where frivolous spectacles are hotlyfollowed -- he had been inveigled into the madness of thegladiatorial games. While he was miserably tossedabout in this fad, I was teaching rhetoric there in a publicschool. At that time he was not attending myclasses because of some ill feeling that had arisen between me andhis father. I then came to discover how fatallyhe doted upon the circus, and I was deeply grieved, for he seemedlikely to cast away his very great promise -- if, indeed, he hadnot already done so. Yet I had no means ofadvising him, or any way of reclaiming him through restraint,either by the kindness of a friend or by the authority of ateacher. For I imagined that his feelings towardme were the same as his father's. But this turnedout not to be the case. Indeed, disregarding hisfather's will in the matter, he began to be friendly and to visitmy lecture room, to listen for a while and then depart.　　12. But it slipped my memory to try todeal with his problem, to prevent him from ruining his excellentmind in his blind and headstrong passion for frivolous sport.But thou, O　　Lord, who holdest the helm of all that thou hastcreated,[161]　　thou hadst not forgotten him who was one day to be numberedamong thy sons, a chief minister of thy sacrament.[162]And in order that his amendment might plainly beattributed to thee, thou broughtest it about through me while Iknew nothing of it.　　One day, when I was sitting in my accustomed place with myscholars before me, he came in, greeted me, sat himself down, andfixed his attention on the subject I was then discussing.It so happened that I had a passage in hand and,while I was interpreting it, a simile occurred to me, taken fromthe gladiatorial games. It struck me as relevantto make more pleasant and plain the point I wanted to convey byadding a biting gibe at those whom that madness had enthralled.Thou knowest, O　　our God, that I had no thought at that time of curingAlypius of that plague. But he took it to himselfand thought that I would not have said it but for his sake.And what any other man would have taken as anoccasion of offense against me, this worthy young man took as areason for being offended at himself, and for loving me the morefervently. Thou hast said it long ago and writtenin thy Book, "Rebuke a wise man, and he will love you."[163]Now I　　had not rebuked him; but thou who canst make use ofeverything, both witting and unwitting, and in the order which thouthyself knowest to be best -- and that order is right -- thoumadest my heart and tongue into burning coals with which thoumightest cauterize and cure the hopeful mind thus languishing.Let him be silent in thy praise who does notmeditate on thy mercy, which rises up in my inmost parts to confessto thee. For after that speech Alypius rushed upout of that deep pit into which he had willfully plunged and inwhich he had been blinded by its miserable pleasures.And he roused his mind with a resolve tomoderation. When he had done this, all the filthof the gladiatorial pleasures dropped away from him, and he went tothem no more. Then he also prevailed upon hisreluctant father to let him be my pupil. And, atthe son's urging, the father at last consented.Thus Alypius began again to hear my lectures andbecame involved with me in the same superstition, loving in theManicheans that outward display of ascetic discipline which hebelieved was true and unfeigned. It was, however,a senseless and seducing continence, which ensnared precious soulswho were not able as yet to reach the height of true virtue, andwho were easily beguiled with the veneer of what was only a shadowyand feigned virtue.　　CHAPTER VIII　　13. He had gone on to Rome before me tostudy law -- which was the worldly way which his parents wereforever urging him to pursue -- and there he was carried away againwith an incredible passion for the gladiatorial shows.For, although he had been utterly opposed to suchspectacles and detested them, one day he met by chance a company ofhis acquaintances and fellow students returning from dinner; and,with a friendly violence, they drew him, resisting and objectingvehemently, into the amphitheater, on a day of those cruel andmurderous shows. He protested to them:　　"Though you drag my body to that place and set me downthere, you cannot force me to give my mind or lend my eyes to theseshows.　　Thus I will be absent while present, and so overcome bothyou and them." When they heard this, they dragged him on in,probably interested to see whether he could do as he said.When they got to the arena, and had taken whatseats they could get, the whole place became a tumult of inhumanfrenzy. But Alypius kept his eyes closed andforbade his mind to roam abroad after such wickedness.Would that he had shut his ears also!For when one of the combatants fell in the fight,a mighty cry from the whole audience stirred him so strongly that,overcome by curiosity and still prepared (as he thought) to despiseand rise superior to it no matter what it was, he opened his eyesand was struck with a deeper wound in his soul than the victim whomhe desired to see had been in his body. Thus hefell more miserably than the one whose fall had raised that mightyclamor which had entered through his ears and unlocked his eyes tomake way for the wounding and beating down of his soul, which wasmore audacious than truly valiant -- also it was weaker because itpresumed on its own strength when it ought to have depended onThee. For, as soon as he saw the blood, he drankin with it a savage temper, and he did not turn away, but fixed hiseyes on the bloody pastime, unwittingly drinking in the madness --delighted with the wicked contest and drunk with blood lust.He was now no longer the same man who came in,but was one of the mob he came into, a true companion of those whohad brought him thither. Why need I say more?He looked, he shouted, he was excited, and hetook away with him the madness that would stimulate him to comeagain: not only with those who first enticed him, but even withoutthem;　　indeed, dragging in others besides. Andyet from all this, with a most powerful and most merciful hand,thou didst pluck him and taught him not to rest his confidence inhimself but in thee --　　but not till long after.　　CHAPTER IX　　14. But this was all being stored up inhis memory as medicine for the future. So alsowas that other incident when he was still studying under me atCarthage and was meditating at noonday in the market place on whathe had to recite -- as scholars usually have to do for practice --and thou didst allow him to be arrested by the police officers inthe market place as a thief. I believe, O my God,that thou didst allow this for no other reason than that this manwho was in the future to prove so great should now begin to learnthat, in making just decisions, a man should not readily becondemned by other men with reckless credulity.　　For as he was walking up and down alone before the judgmentseat with his tablets and pen, lo, a young man -- another one ofthe scholars, who was the real thief -- secretly brought a hatchetand, without Alypius seeing him, got in as far as the leaden barswhich protected the silversmith shop and began to hack away at thelead gratings. But when the noise of the hatchetwas heard the silversmiths below began to call to each other inwhispers and sent men to arrest whomsoever they should find.The thief heard their voices and ran away,leaving his hatchet because he was afraid to be caught with it.Now Alypius, who had not seen him come in, got aglimpse of him as he went out and noticed that he went off in greathaste. Being curious to know the reasons, he wentup to the place, where he found the hatchet, and stood wonderingand pondering when, behold, those that were sent caught him alone,holding the hatchet which had made the noise which had startledthem and brought them there. They seized him anddragged him away, gathering the tenants of the market place aboutthem and boasting that they had caught a notorious thief.Thereupon he was led away to appear before thejudge.　　15. But this is as far as his lesson wasto go. For immediately, O Lord, thou didst cometo the rescue of his innocence, of which thou wast the solewitness. As he was being led off to prison orpunishment, they were met by the master builder who had charge ofthe public buildings. The captors were especiallyglad to meet him because he had more than once suspected them ofstealing the goods that had been lost out of the market place.Now, at last, they thought they could convincehim who it was that had committed the thefts. Butthe custodian had often met Alypius at the house of a certainsenator, whose receptions he used to attend. Herecognized him at once and, taking his hand, led him apart from thethrong, inquired the cause of all the trouble, and learned what hadoccurred. He then commanded all the rabble stillaround -- and very uproarious and full of threatenings they were --to come along with him, and they came to the house of the young manwho had committed the deed.　　There, before the door, was a slave boy so young that he wasnot restrained from telling the whole story by fear of harming hismaster. And he had followed his master to themarket place.　　Alypius recognized him, and whispered to the architect, whoshowed the boy the hatchet and asked whose it was."Ours," he answered directly.And, being further questioned, he disclosed thewhole affair. Thus the guilt was shifted to thathousehold and the rabble, who had begun to triumph over Alypius,were shamed. And so he went away home, this manwho was to be the future steward of thy Word and judge of so manycauses in thy Church -- a wiser and more experienced man.　　CHAPTER X　　16. I found him at Rome, and he was boundto me with the strongest possible ties, and he went with me toMilan, in order that he might not be separated from me, and alsothat he might obtain some law practice, for which he had qualifiedwith a view to pleasing his parents more than himself.He had already sat three times as assessor,showing an integrity that seemed strange to many others, though hethought them strange who could prefer gold to integrity.His character had also been tested, not only bythe bait of covetousness, but by the spur of fear.At Rome he was assessor to the secretary of theItalian Treasury. There was at that time a verypowerful senator to whose favors many were indebted, and of whommany stood in fear. In his usual highhanded wayhe demanded to have a favor granted him that was forbidden by thelaws. This Alypius resisted. Abribe was promised, but he scorned it with all his heart.Threats were employed, but he trampled themunderfoot -- so that all men marveled at so rare a spirit, whichneither coveted the friendship nor feared the enmity of a man atonce so powerful and so widely known for his great resources ofhelping his friends and doing harm to his enemies.　　Even the official whose counselor Alypius was -- although hewas unwilling that the favor should be granted -- would not openlyrefuse the request, but passed the responsibility on to Alypius,alleging that he would not permit him to give his assent.And the truth was that even if the judge hadagreed, Alypius would have simply left the court.　　There was one matter, however, which appealed to his love oflearning, in which he was very nearly led astray.He found out that he might have books copied forhimself at praetorian rates [i.e., at public expense].But his sense of justice prevailed, and hechanged his mind for the better, thinking that the rule thatforbade him was still more profitable than the privilege that hisoffice would have allowed him. These are littlethings, but "he that is faithful in a little matter is faithfulalso in a great one."[164] Nor can that possiblybe void which was uttered by the mouth of Thy truth: "If,therefore, you have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon,who will commit to your trust the true riches?And if you have not been faithful in that whichis another man's, who shall give you that which is yourown?"[165]　　Such a man was Alypius, who clung to me at that time and whowavered in his purpose, just as I did, as to what course of life tofollow.　　17. Nebridius also had come to Milan forno other reason than that he might live with me in a most ardentsearch after truth and wisdom. He had left hisnative place near Carthage --　　and Carthage itself, where he usually lived -- leavingbehind his fine family estate, his house, and his mother, who wouldnot follow him. Like me, he sighed; like me, hewavered; an ardent seeker after the true life and a most acuteanalyst of the most abstruse questions. So therewere three begging mouths, sighing out their wants one to theother, and waiting upon thee, that thou mightest give them theirmeat in due season.[166] And in all the vexationswith which thy mercy followed our worldly pursuits, we sought forthe reason why we suffered so -- and all was darkness!　　We turned away groaning and exclaiming, "How long shallthese things be?" And this we often asked, yetfor all our asking we did not relinquish them; for as yet we hadnot discovered anything certain which, when we gave those othersup, we might grasp in their stead.　　CHAPTER XI　　18. And I especially puzzled and wonderedwhen I remembered how long a time had passed since my nineteenthyear, in which I　　had first fallen in love with wisdom and had determined assoon as I could find her to abandon the empty hopes and maddelusions of vain desires. Behold, I was nowgetting close to thirty, still stuck fast in the same mire, stillgreedy of enjoying present goods which fly away and distract me;and I was still saying, "Tomorrow I shall discover it; behold, itwill become plain, and I　　shall see it; behold, Faustus will come and explaineverything."　　Or I would say[167]:"O you mighty Academics, is there nocertainty that man can grasp for the guidance of his life?No, let us search the more diligently, and let usnot despair. See, the things in the Church'sbooks that appeared so absurd to us before do not appear so now,and may be otherwise and honestly interpreted. Iwill set my feet upon that step where, as a child, my parentsplaced me, until the clear truth is discovered.But where and when shall it be sought?Ambrose has no leisure -- we have no leisure toread. Where are we to find the books?How or where could I get hold of them?From whom could I borrow them?　　Let me set a schedule for my days and set apart certainhours for the health of the soul. A great hopehas risen up in us, because the Catholic faith does not teach whatwe thought it did, and vainly accused it of. Itsteachers hold it as an abomination to believe that God is limitedby the form of a human body. And do I　　doubt that I should 'knock' in order for the rest also to be'opened' unto me? My pupils take up the morninghours; what am I　　doing with the rest of the day? Why not dothis? But, then, when am I to visit myinfluential friends, whose favors I need? When amI to prepare the orations that I sell to the class?When would I get some recreation and relax mymind from the strain of work?　　19. "Perish everything and let us dismissthese idle triflings. Let me devote myself solelyto the search for truth.　　This life is unhappy, death uncertain. Ifit comes upon me suddenly, in what state shall I go hence and whereshall I learn what here I have neglected? ShouldI not indeed suffer the punishment of my negligence here?But suppose death cuts off and finishes all careand feeling. This too is a question that callsfor inquiry. God forbid that it should be so.It is not without reason, it is not in vain, thatthe stately authority of the Christian faith has spread over theentire world, and God would never have done such great things forus if the life of the soul perished with the death of the body.Why, therefore, do I delay in abandoning my hopesof this world and giving myself wholly to seek after God and theblessed life?　　"But wait a moment. This life also ispleasant, and it has a sweetness of its own, not at all negligible.We must not abandon it lightly, for it would beshameful to lapse back into it again.　　See now, it is important to gain some post of honor.And what more should I desire?I have crowds of influential friends, if nothingelse; and, if I push my claims, a governorship may be offered me,and a wife with some money, so that she would not be an addedexpense. This would be the height of my desire.Many men, who are great and worthy of imitation,have combined the pursuit of wisdom with a marriage life."　　20. While I talked about these things, andthe winds of opinions veered about and tossed my heart hither andthither, time was slipping away. I delayed myconversion to the Lord; I　　postponed from day to day the life in thee, but I could notpostpone the daily death in myself. I wasenamored of a happy life, but I still feared to seek it in its ownabode, and so I　　fled from it while I sought it. I thoughtI should be miserable if I were deprived of the embraces of awoman, and I never gave a thought to the medicine that thy mercyhas provided for the healing of that infirmity, for I had nevertried it. As for continence, I imagined that itdepended on one's own strength, though I found no such strength inmyself, for in my folly I knew not what is written, "None can becontinent unless thou dost grant it."[168]Certainly thou wouldst have given it, if I hadbeseeched thy ears with heartfelt groaning, and if I had cast mycare upon thee with firm faith.　　CHAPTER XII　　21. Actually, it was Alypius who preventedme from marrying, urging that if I did so it would not be possiblefor us to live together and to have as much undistracted leisure inthe love of wisdom as we had long desired. For hehimself was so chaste that it was wonderful, all the more becausein his early youth he had entered upon the path of promiscuity, buthad not continued in it.　　Instead, feeling sorrow and disgust at it, he had lived fromthat time down to the present most continently. Iquoted against him the examples of men who had been married andstill lovers of wisdom, who had pleased God and had been loyal andaffectionate to their friends. I fell far shortof them in greatness of soul, and, enthralled with the disease ofmy carnality and its deadly sweetness, I dragged my chain along,fearing to be loosed of it.　　Thus I rejected the words of him who counseled me wisely, asif the hand that would have loosed the chain only hurt mywound.　　Moreover, the serpent spoke to Alypius himself by me,weaving and lying in his path, by my tongue to catch him withpleasant snares in which his honorable and free feet might beentangled.　　22. For he wondered that I, for whom hehad such a great esteem, should be stuck so fast in the gluepot ofpleasure as to maintain, whenever we discussed the subject, that Icould not possibly live a celibate life. And whenI urged in my defense against his accusing questions that the hastyand stolen delight, which he had tasted and now hardly remembered,and therefore too easily disparaged, was not to be compared with asettled acquaintance with it; and that, if to this stableacquaintance were added the honorable name of marriage, he wouldnot then be astonished at my inability to give it up -- when Ispoke thus, then he also began to wish to be married, not becausehe was overcome by the lust for such pleasures, but out ofcuriosity.　　For, he said, he longed to know what that could be withoutwhich my life, which he thought was so happy, seemed to me to be nolife at all, but a punishment. For he who wore nochain was amazed at my slavery, and his amazement awoke the desirefor experience, and from that he would have gone on to theexperiment itself, and then perhaps he would have fallen into thevery slavery that amazed him in me, since he was ready to enterinto "a covenant with death,"[169] for "he that loves danger shallfall into it."[170]　　Now, the question of conjugal honor in the ordering of agood married life and the bringing up of children interested us butslightly. What afflicted me most and what hadmade me already a slave to it was the habit of satisfying aninsatiable lust; but Alypius was about to be enslaved by a merelycurious wonder. This is the state we were inuntil thou, O Most High, who never forsakest our lowliness, didsttake pity on our misery and didst come to our rescue in wonderfuland secret ways.　　CHAPTER XIII　　23. Active efforts were made to get me awife. I wooed; I　　was engaged; and my mother took the greatest pains in thematter.　　For her hope was that, when I was once married, I might bewashed clean in health-giving baptism for which I was being dailyprepared, as she joyfully saw, taking note that her desires andpromises were being fulfilled in my faith. Yet,when, at my request and her own impulse, she called upon thee dailywith strong, heartfelt cries, that thou wouldst, by a vision,disclose unto her a leading about my future marriage, thou wouldstnot.　　She did, indeed, see certain vain and fantastic things, suchas are conjured up by the strong preoccupation of the human spirit,and these she supposed had some reference to me.And she told me about them, but not with theconfidence she usually had when thou hadst shown her anything.For she always said that she could distinguish,by a certain feeling impossible to describe, between thyrevelations and the dreams of her own soul. Yetthe matter was pressed forward, and proposals were made for a girlwho was as yet some two years too young to marry.[171]And because she pleased me, I agreed to wait forher.　　CHAPTER XIV　　24. Many in my band of friends, consultingabout and abhorring the turbulent vexations of human life, hadoften considered and were now almost determined to undertake apeaceful life, away from the turmoil of men. Thiswe thought could be obtained by bringing together what we severallyowned and thus making of it a common household, so that in thesincerity of our friendship nothing should belong more to one thanto the other;　　but all were to have one purse and the whole was to belongto each and to all. We thought that this groupmight consist of ten persons, some of whom were very rich --especially Romanianus, my fellow townsman, an intimate friend fromchildhood days. He had been brought up to thecourt on grave business matters and he was the most earnest of usall about the project and his voice was of great weight incommending it because his estate was far more ample than that ofthe others. We had resolved, also, that each yeartwo of us should be managers and provide all that was needful,while the rest were left undisturbed. But when webegan to reflect whether this would be permitted by our wives,which some of us had already and others hoped to have, the wholeplan, so excellently framed, collapsed in our hands and was utterlywrecked and cast aside. From this we fell againinto sighs and groans, and our steps followed the broad and beatenways of the world; for many thoughts were in our hearts, but "Thycounsel standeth fast forever."[172] In thycounsel thou didst mock ours, and didst prepare thy own plan, forit was thy purpose "to give us meat in due season, to open thyhand, and to fill our souls with blessing."[173]　　CHAPTER XV　　25. Meanwhile my sins were beingmultiplied. My mistress was torn from my side asan impediment to my marriage, and my heart which clung to her wastorn and wounded till it bled. And she went backto Africa, vowing to thee never to know any other man and leavingwith me my natural son by her. But I, unhappy asI was, and weaker than a woman, could not bear the delay of the twoyears that should elapse before I could obtain the bride I　　sought. And so, since I was not a lover ofwedlock so much as a slave of lust, I procured another mistress --not a wife, of course. Thus in bondage to alasting habit, the disease of my soul might be nursed up and keptin its vigor or even increased until it reached the realm ofmatrimony. Nor indeed was the wound healed thathad been caused by cutting away my former mistress;　　only it ceased to burn and throb, and began to fester, andwas more dangerous because it was less painful.　　CHAPTER XVI　　26. Thine be the praise; unto thee be theglory, O Fountain of mercies. I became morewretched and thou didst come nearer.　　Thy right hand was ever ready to pluck me out of the mireand to cleanse me, but I did not know it. Nor didanything call me back from a still deeper plunge into carnalpleasure except the fear of death and of thy future judgment,which, amid all the waverings of my opinions, never faded from mybreast. And I discussed with my friends, Alypiusand Nebridius, the nature of good and evil, maintaining that, in myjudgment, Epicurus would have carried off the palm if I had notbelieved what Epicurus would not believe:　　that after death there remains a life for the soul, andplaces of recompense. And I demanded of them:"Suppose we are immortal and live in the enjoyment of perpetualbodily pleasure, and that without any fear of losing it -- why,then, should we not be happy, or why should we search for anythingelse?" I did not know that this was in fact theroot of my misery: that I was so fallen and blinded that I couldnot discern the light of virtue and of beauty which must beembraced for its own sake, which the eye of flesh cannot see, andonly the inner vision can see. Nor did I, alas,consider the reason why I found delight in discussing these veryperplexities, shameful as they were, with my friends.For I　　could not be happy without friends, even according to thenotions of happiness I had then, and no matter how rich the storeof my carnal pleasures might be. Yet of a truth Iloved my friends for their own sakes, and felt that they in turnloved me for my own sake.　　O crooked ways! Woe to the audacious soulwhich hoped that by forsaking thee it would find some better thing!It tossed and turned, upon back and side andbelly -- but the bed is hard, and thou alone givest it rest.[174]And lo, thou art near, and thou deliverest usfrom our wretched wanderings and establishest us in thy way, andthou comfortest us and sayest, "Run, I will carry you; yea, I willlead you home and then I will set you free."[175]　　BOOK SEVEN　　The conversion to Neoplatonism. Augustinetraces his growing disenchantment with the Manichean conceptions ofGod and evil and the dawning understanding of God'sincorruptibility. But his thought is still boundby his materialistic notions of reality.　　He rejects astrology and turns to the stud of Neoplatonism.There follows an analysis of the differencesbetween Platonism and Christianity and a remarkable account of hisappropriation of Plotinian wisdom and his experience of a Plotinianecstasy. From this, he comes finally to thediligent study of the Bible, especially the writings of the apostlePaul. His pilgrimage is drawing toward its goal,as he begins to know Jesus Christ and to be drawn to him inhesitant faith.　　CHAPTER I　　1. Dead now was that evil and shamefulyouth of mine, and I　　was passing into full manhood.[176] As Iincreased in years, the worse was my vanity. ForI could not conceive of any substance but the sort I could see withmy own eyes. I no longer thought of thee, O God,by the analogy of a human body. Ever sinceI　　inclined my ear to philosophy I had avoided this error --and the truth on this point I rejoiced to find in the faith of ourspiritual mother, thy Catholic Church. Yet I could not see how elseto conceive thee. And I, a man -- and such a man!-- sought to conceive thee, the sovereign and only true God.In my inmost heart, I believed that thou artincorruptible and inviolable and unchangeable, because -- though Iknew not how or why -- I could still see plainly and without doubtthat the corruptible is inferior to the incorruptible, theinviolable obviously superior to its opposite, and the unchangeablebetter than the changeable.　　My heart cried out violently against all fantasms,[177] andwith this one clear certainty I endeavored to brush away the swarmof unclean flies that swarmed around the eyes of my mind.But behold they were scarcely scattered beforethey gathered again, buzzed against my face, and beclouded myvision. I no longer thought of God in the analogyof a human body, yet I was constrained to conceive thee to be somekind of body in space, either infused into the world, or infinitelydiffused beyond the world -- and this was the incorruptible,inviolable, unchangeable substance, which I thought was better thanthe corruptible, the violable, and the changeable.[178]For whatever I conceived to be deprived of thedimensions of space appeared to me to be nothing, absolutelynothing; not even a void, for if a body is taken out of space, orif space is emptied of all its contents (of earth, water, air, orheaven), yet it remains an empty space -- a spacious nothing, as itwere.　　2. Being thus gross-hearted and not cleareven to myself, I　　then held that whatever had neither length nor breadth nordensity nor solidity, and did not or could not receive suchdimensions, was absolutely nothing. For at thattime my mind dwelt only with ideas, which resembled the forms withwhich my eyes are still familiar, nor could I see that the act ofthought, by which I　　formed those ideas, was itself immaterial, and yet it couldnot have formed them if it were not itself a measurableentity.　　So also I thought about thee, O Life of my life, asstretched out through infinite space, interpenetrating the wholemass of the world, reaching out beyond in all directions, toimmensity without end; so that the earth should have thee, theheaven have thee, all things have thee, and all of them be limitedin thee, while thou art placed nowhere at all. Asthe body of the air above the earth does not bar the passage of thelight of the sun, so that the light penetrates it, not by burstingnor dividing, but filling it entirely, so I imagined that the bodyof heaven and air and sea, and even of the earth, was all open tothee and, in all its greatest parts as well as the smallest, wasready to receive thy presence by a secret inspiration which, fromwithin or without all, orders all things thou hast created.This was my conjecture, because I was unable tothink of anything else; yet it was untrue.　　For in this way a greater part of the earth would contain agreater part of thee; a smaller part, a smaller fraction ofthee.　　All things would be full of thee in such a sense that therewould be more of thee in an elephant than in a sparrow, because oneis larger than the other and fills a larger space.And this would make the portions of thyselfpresent in the several portions of the world in fragments, great tothe great, small to the small.　　But thou art not such a one. But as yetthou hadst not enlightened my darkness.　　CHAPTER II　　3. But it was not sufficient for me, OLord, to be able to oppose those deceived deceivers and those dumborators -- dumb because thy Word did not sound forth from them --to oppose them with the answer which, in the old Carthaginian days,Nebridius used to propound, shaking all of us who heard it: "Whatcould this imaginary people of darkness, which the Manicheansusually set up as an army opposed to thee, have done to thee ifthou hadst declined the combat?" If they repliedthat it could have hurt thee, they would then have made theeviolable and corruptible.　　If, on the other hand, the dark could have done thee noharm, then there was no cause for any battle at all; there was lesscause for a battle in which a part of thee, one of thy members, achild of thy own substance, should be mixed up with opposingpowers, not of thy creation; and should be corrupted anddeteriorated and changed by them from happiness into misery, sothat it could not be delivered and cleansed without thy help.This offspring of thy substance was supposed tobe the human soul to which thy Word --　　free, pure, and entire -- could bring help when it was beingenslaved, contaminated, and corrupted. But ontheir hypothesis that Word was itself corruptible because it is oneand the same substance as the soul.　　And therefore if they admitted that thy nature -- whatsoeverthou art -- is incorruptible, then all these assertions of theirsare false and should be rejected with horror. Butif thy substance is corruptible, then this is self-evidently falseand should be abhorred at first utterance. Thisline of argument, then, was enough against those deceivers whoought to be cast forth from a surfeited stomach -- for out of thisdilemma they could find no way of escape without dreadful sacrilegeof mind and tongue, when they think and speak such things aboutthee.　　CHAPTER III　　4. But as yet, although I said and wasfirmly persuaded that thou our Lord, the true God, who madest notonly our souls but our bodies as well -- and not only our souls andbodies but all creatures and all things -- wast free from stain andalteration and in no way mutable, yet I could not readily andclearly understand what was the cause of evil.Whatever it was, I　　realized that the question must be so analyzed as not toconstrain me by any answer to believe that the immutable God wasmutable, lest I should myself become the thing that I was seekingout. And so I pursued the search with a quietmind, now in a confident feeling that what had been said by theManicheans -- and I shrank from them with my whole heart -- couldnot be true. I now realized that when they askedwhat was the origin of evil their answer was dictated by a wickedpride, which would rather affirm that thy nature is capable ofsuffering evil than that their own nature is capable of doingit.　　5. And I directed my attention tounderstand what I now was told, that free will is the cause of ourdoing evil and that thy just judgment is the cause of our having tosuffer from its consequences. But I could not seethis clearly. So then, trying to draw the eye ofmy mind up out of that pit, I was plunged back into it again, andtrying often was just as often plunged back down.But one thing lifted me up toward thy light: itwas that I　　had come to know that I had a will as certainly as I knewthat I　　had life. When, therefore, I willed or wasunwilling to do something, I was utterly certain that it was nonebut myself who willed or was unwilling -- and immediately Irealized that there was the cause of my sin. Icould see that what I did against my will I suffered rather thandid; and I did not regard such actions as faults, but rather aspunishments in which I might quickly confess that I was notunjustly punished, since I believed thee to be most just.Who was it that put this in me, and implanted inme the root of bitterness, in spite of the fact that I wasaltogether the handiwork of my most sweet God? Ifthe devil is to blame, who made the devil himself?And if he was a good angel who by his own wickedwill became the devil, how did there happen to be in him thatwicked will by which he became a devil, since a good Creator madehim wholly a good angel? By these reflections wasI again cast down and stultified. Yet I was notplunged into that hell of error -- where no man confesses to thee-- where I thought that thou didst suffer evil, rather than thatmen do it.　　CHAPTER IV　　6. For in my struggle to solve the rest ofmy difficulties, I now assumed henceforth as settled truth that theincorruptible must be superior to the corruptible, and I didacknowledge that thou, whatever thou art, art incorruptible.For there never yet was, nor will be, a soul ableto conceive of anything better than thee, who art the highest andbest good.[179] And since most truly andcertainly the incorruptible is to be placed above the corruptible-- as I now admit it -- it followed that I could rise in mythoughts to something better than my God, if thou wert notincorruptible. When, therefore, I saw that theincorruptible was to be preferred to the corruptible, I saw thenwhere I ought to seek thee, and where I should look for the sourceof evil: that is, the corruption by which thy substance can in noway be profaned. For it is obvious thatcorruption in no way injures our God, by no inclination, by nonecessity, by no unforeseen chance -- because he is our God, andwhat he wills is good, and he himself is that good.But to be corrupted is not good.Nor art thou compelled to do anything against thywill, since thy will is not greater than thy power.But it would have to be greater if thou thyselfwert greater than thyself -- for the will and power of God are Godhimself. And what can take thee by surprise,since thou knowest all, and there is no sort of nature but thouknowest it? And what more should we say about whythat substance which God is cannot be corrupted; because if thiswere so it could not be God?　　CHAPTER V　　7. And I kept seeking for an answer to thequestion, Whence is evil? And I sought it in anevil way, and I did not see the evil in my very search. I marshaledbefore the sight of my spirit all creation: all that we see ofearth and sea and air and stars and trees and animals; and all thatwe do not see, the firmament of the sky above and all the angelsand all spiritual things, for my imagination arranged these also,as if they were bodies, in this place or that.And I pictured to myself thy creation as one vastmass, composed of various kinds of bodies -- some of which wereactually bodies, some of those which I imagined spirits were like.I pictured this mass as vast -- of course not inits full dimensions, for these I could not know -- but as large asI could possibly think, still only finite on every side.But thou, O　　Lord, I imagined as environing the mass on every side andpenetrating it, still infinite in every direction -- as if therewere a sea everywhere, and everywhere through measureless spacenothing but an infinite sea; and it contained within itself somesort of sponge, huge but still finite, so that the sponge would inall its parts be filled from the immeasurable sea.[180]　　Thus I conceived thy creation itself to be finite, andfilled by thee, the infinite. And I said, "BeholdGod, and behold what God hath created!" God isgood, yea, most mightily and incomparably better than all hisworks. But yet he who is good has created themgood; behold how he encircles and fills them.　　Where, then, is evil, and whence does it come and how has itcrept in? What is its root and what its seed?Has it no being at all?　　Why, then, do we fear and shun what has no being?Or if we fear it needlessly, then surely thatfear is evil by which the heart is unnecessarily stabbed andtortured -- and indeed a greater evil since we have nothing real tofear, and yet do fear. Therefore, either that isevil which we fear, or the act of fearing is in itself evil.But, then, whence does it come, since God who isgood has made all these things good? Indeed, heis the greatest and chiefest Good, and hath created these lessergoods; but both Creator and created are all good.Whence, then, is evil? Or,again, was there some evil matter out of which he made and formedand ordered it, but left something in his creation that he did notconvert into good? But why should this be?Was he powerless to change the whole lump so thatno evil would remain in it, if he is the Omnipotent?Finally, why would he make anything at all out ofsuch stuff? Why did he not, rather, annihilate itby his same almighty power? Could evil existcontrary to his will? And if it were frometernity, why did he permit it to be nonexistent for unmeasuredintervals of time in the past, and why, then, was he pleased tomake something out of it after so long a time?Or, if he wished now all of a sudden to createsomething, would not an almighty being have chosen to annihilatethis evil matter and live by himself -- the perfect, true,sovereign, and infinite Good?　　Or, if it were not good that he who was good should not alsobe the framer and creator of what was good, then why was that evilmatter not removed and brought to nothing, so that he might formgood matter, out of which he might then create all things?For he would not be omnipotent if he were notable to create something good without being assisted by that matterwhich had not been created by himself.　　Such perplexities I revolved in my wretched breast,overwhelmed with gnawing cares lest I die before I discovered thetruth. And still the faith of thy Christ, ourLord and Saviour, as it was taught me by the Catholic Church, stuckfast in my heart. As yet it was unformed on manypoints and diverged from the rule of right doctrine, but my minddid not utterly lose it, and every day drank in more and more ofit.　　CHAPTER VI　　8. By now I had also repudiated the lyingdivinations and impious absurdities of the astrologers.Let thy mercies, out of the depth of my soul,confess this to thee also, O my God. For thou,thou only (for who else is it who calls us back from the death ofall errors except the Life which does not know how to die and theWisdom which gives light to minds that need it, although it itselfhas no need of light -- by which the whole universe is governed,even to the fluttering leaves of the trees?) -- thou aloneprovidedst also for my obstinacy with which I struggled againstVindicianus, a sagacious old man, and Nebridius, that remarkablytalented young man. The former declaredvehemently and the latter frequently -- though with somereservation -- that no art existed by which we foresee futurethings. But men's surmises have oftentimes thehelp of chance, and out of many things which they foretold somecame to pass unawares to the predictors, who lighted on the truthby making so many guesses.　　And thou also providedst a friend for me, who was not anegligent consulter of the astrologers even though he was notthoroughly skilled in the art either -- as I said, one whoconsulted them out of curiosity. He knew a good,deal about it, which, he said, he had heard from his father, and henever realized how far his ideas would help to overthrow myestimation of that art. His name was Firminus andhe had received a liberal education and was a cultivatedrhetorician. It so happened that he consulted me,as one very dear to him, as to what I thought about some affairs ofhis in which his worldly hopes had risen, viewed in the light ofhis so-called horoscope. Although I had now begunto learn in this matter toward Nebridius' opinion, I did not quitedecline to speculate about the matter or to tell him what thoughtsstill came into my irresolute mind, although I did add that I wasalmost persuaded now that these were but empty and ridiculousfollies. He then told me that his father had beenvery much interested in such books, and that he had a friend whowas as much interested in them as he was himself.They, in combined study and consultation, fannedthe flame of their affection for this folly, going so far as toobserve the moment when the dumb animals which belonged to theirhousehold gave birth to young, and then observed the position ofthe heavens with regard to them, so as to gather fresh evidence forthis so-called art. Moreover, he reported thathis father had told him that, at the same time his mother was aboutto give birth to him [Firminus], a female slave of a friend of hisfather's was also pregnant. This could not behidden from her master, who kept records with the most diligentexactness of the birth dates even of his dogs.And so it happened to pass that -- under the mostcareful observations, one for his wife and the other for hisservant, with exact calculations of the days, hours, and minutes --both women were delivered at the same moment, so that both werecompelled to cast the selfsame horoscope, down to the minute: theone for his son, the other for his young slave.For as soon as the women began to be in labor,they each sent word to the other as to what was happening in theirrespective houses and had messengers ready to dispatch to oneanother as soon as they had information of the actual birth -- andeach, of course, knew instantly the exact time.It turned out, Firminus said, that the messengersfrom the respective houses met one another at a point equidistantfrom either house, so that neither of them could discern anydifference either in the position of the stars or any other of themost minute points. And yet Firminus, born in ahigh estate in his parents' house, ran his course through theprosperous paths of this world, was increased in wealth, andelevated to honors. At the same time, the slave,the yoke of his condition being still unrelaxed, continued to servehis masters as Firminus, who knew him, was able to report.　　9. Upon hearing and believing these thingsrelated by so reliable a person all my resistance melted away.First, I　　endeavored to reclaim Firminus himself from his superstitionby telling him that after inspecting his horoscope, I ought, ifI　　could foretell truly, to have seen in it parents eminentamong their neighbors, a noble family in its own city, a goodbirth, a proper education, and liberal learning.But if that servant had consulted me with thesame horoscope, since he had the same one, I　　ought again to tell him likewise truly that I saw in it thelowliness of his origin, the abjectness of his condition, andeverything else different and contrary to the formerprediction.　　If, then, by casting up the same horoscopes I should, inorder to speak the truth, make contrary analyses, or else speakfalsely if I made identical readings, then surely it followed thatwhatever was truly foretold by the analysis of the horoscopes wasnot by art, but by chance. And whatever was saidfalsely was not from incompetence in the art, but from the error ofchance.　　10. An opening being thus made in mydarkness, I began to consider other implications involved here.Suppose that one of the fools -- who followedsuch an occupation and whom I longed to assail, and to reduce toconfusion -- should urge against me that Firminus had given mefalse information, or that his father had informed him falsely.I then turned my thoughts to those that are borntwins, who generally come out of the womb so near the one to theother that the short interval between them -- whatever importancethey may ascribe to it in the nature of things --　　cannot be noted by human observation or expressed in thosetables which the astrologer uses to examine when he undertakes topronounce the truth. But such pronouncementscannot be true. For looking into the samehoroscopes, he must have foretold the same future for Esau andJacob,[181] whereas the same future did not turn out for them.He must therefore speak falsely.If he is to speak truly, then he must readcontrary predictions into the same horoscopes.But this would mean that it was not by art, butby chance, that he would speak truly.　　For thou, O Lord, most righteous ruler of the universe, dostwork by a secret impulse -- whether those who inquire or thoseinquired of know it or not -- so that the inquirer may hear what,according to the secret merit of his soul, he ought to hear fromthe deeps of thy righteous judgment. Thereforelet no man say to thee, "What is this?" or, "Why is that?" Let himnot speak thus, for he is only a man.　　CHAPTER VII　　11. By now, O my Helper, thou hadst freedme from those fetters. But still I inquired,"Whence is evil?" -- and found no answer. Butthou didst not allow me to be carried away from the faith by thesefluctuations of thought. I still believed boththat thou dost exist and that thy substance is immutable, and thatthou dost care for and wilt judge all men, and that in Christ, thySon our Lord, and the Holy Scriptures, which the authority of thyCatholic Church pressed on me, thou hast planned the way of man'ssalvation to that life which is to come after this death.　　With these convictions safe and immovably settled in mymind, I eagerly inquired, "Whence is evil?" Whattorments did my travailing heart then endure!What sighs, O my God! Yet eventhen thy ears were open and I knew it not, and when in stillnessI　　sought earnestly, those silent contritions of my soul wereloud cries to thy mercy. No man knew, but thouknewest what I endured.　　How little of it could I express in words to the ears of mydearest friends! How could the whole tumult of mysoul, for which neither time nor speech was sufficient, come tothem? Yet the whole of it went into thy ears, allof which I bellowed out in the anguish of my heart.My desire was before thee, and the light of myeyes was not with me; for it was within and I was without.Nor was that light in any place; but I still keptthinking only of things that are contained in a place, and couldfind among them no place to rest in. They did notreceive me in such a way that I　　could say, "It is sufficient; it is well." Nor did theyallow me to turn back to where it might be well enough with me.For I was higher than they, though lower thanthou. Thou art my true joy if I depend upon thee,and thou hadst subjected to me what thou didst create lower than I.And this was the true mean and middle way ofsalvation for me, to continue in thy image and by serving thee havedominion over the body. But when I lifted myselfproudly against thee, and "ran against the Lord, even against hisneck, with the thick bosses of my buckler,"[182] even the lowerthings were placed above me and pressed down on me, so that therewas no respite or breathing space. They thrust onmy sight on every side, in crowds and masses, and when I tried tothink, the images of bodies obtruded themselves into my way back tothee, as if they would say to me, "Where are you going, unworthyand unclean one?"　　And all these had sprung out of my wound, for thou hadsthumbled the haughty as one that is wounded. By myswelling pride I was separated from thee, and my bloated cheeksblinded my eyes.　　CHAPTER VIII　　12. But thou, O Lord, art forever thesame, yet thou art not forever angry with us, for thou hastcompassion on our dust and ashes.[183] It waspleasing in thy sight to reform my deformity, and by inward stingsthou didst disturb me so that I was impatient until thou wert madeclear to my inward sight. By the secret hand ofthy healing my swelling was lessened, the disordered and darkenedeyesight of my mind was from day to day made whole by the stingingsalve of wholesome grief.　　CHAPTER IX　　13. And first of all, willing to show mehow thou dost "resist the proud, but give grace to thehumble,"[184] and how mercifully thou hast made known to men theway of humility in that thy Word "was made flesh and dwelt amongmen,"[185] thou didst procure for me, through one inflated with themost monstrous pride, certain books of the Platonists, translatedfrom Greek into Latin.[186] And therein I found,not indeed in the same words, but to the selfsame effect, enforcedby many and various reasons that "in the beginning was the Word,and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.The same was in the beginning with God.　　All things were made by him; and without him was notanything made that was made." That which was made by him is "life,and the life was the light of men. And the lightshined in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not."Furthermore, I read that the soul of man, though it "bears witnessto the light," yet itself "is not the light; but the Word of God,being God, is that true light that lights every man who comes intothe world." And further, that "he was in the world, and the worldwas made by him, and the world knew him not."[187]But that "he came unto his own, and his ownreceived him not. And as many as received him, tothem gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them thatbelieved on his name"[188] -- this I did not find there.　　14. Similarly, I read there that God theWord was born "not of flesh nor of blood, nor of the will of man,nor the will of the flesh, but of God."[189] But,that "the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us"[190] -- I foundthis nowhere there. And I　　discovered in those books, expressed in many and variousways, that "the Son was in the form of God and thought it notrobbery to be equal in God,"[191] for he was naturally of the samesubstance.　　But, that "he emptied himself and took upon himself the formof a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: and being foundin fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient untodeath, even the death of the cross. Wherefore Godalso hath highly exalted him" from the dead, "and given him a nameabove every name; that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under theearth;　　and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ isLord, to the glory of God the Father"[192] -- this those books havenot. I　　read further in them that before all times and beyond alltimes, thy only Son remaineth unchangeably coeternal with thee, andthat of his fullness all souls receive that they may be blessed,and that by participation in that wisdom which abides in them, theyare renewed that they may be wise. But, that "indue time, Christ died for the ungodly" and that thou "sparedst notthy only Son, but deliveredst him up for us all"[193] -- this isnot there.　　"For thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent,and hast revealed them unto babes"[194]; that they "that labor andare heavy laden" might "come unto him and he might refreshthem"　　because he is "meek and lowly in heart."[195]"The meek will he guide in judgment; and the meekwill he teach his way; beholding our lowliness and our trouble andforgiving all our sins."[196]　　But those who strut in the high boots of what they deem tobe superior knowledge will not hear Him who says, "Learn of me, forI　　am meek and lowly in heart, and you shall find rest for yoursouls."[197] Thus, though they know God, yet theydo not glorify him as God, nor are they thankful.Therefore, they "become vain in theirimaginations; their foolish heart is darkened, and professingthemselves to be wise they become fools."[198]　　15. And, moreover, I also read there how"they changed the glory of thy incorruptible nature into idols andvarious images --　　into an image made like corruptible man and to birds andfour-　　footed beasts, and creeping things"[199]: namely, into thatEgyptian food[200] for which Esau lost his birthright; so that thyfirst-born people worshiped the head of a four-footed beast insteadof thee, turning back in their hearts toward Egypt and prostratingthy image (their own soul) before the image of an ox that eatsgrass. These things I found there, but I fed noton them. For it pleased thee, O Lord, to takeaway the reproach of his minority from Jacob, that the elder shouldserve the younger and thou mightest call the Gentiles, and I hadsought strenuously after that gold which thou didst allow thypeople to take from Egypt, since wherever it was it was thine.[201]And thou saidst unto the Athenians by the mouthof thy apostle that in thee "we live and move and have our being,"as one of their own poets had said.[202] Andtruly these books came from there. But I did notset my mind on the idols of Egypt which they fashioned of gold,"changing the truth of God into a lie and worshiping and servingthe creature more than the Creator."[203]CHAPTER X　　16. And being admonished by these books toreturn into myself, I entered into my inward soul, guided by thee.This I　　could do because thou wast my helper. AndI entered, and with the eye of my soul -- such as it was -- sawabove the same eye of my soul and above my mind the ImmutableLight. It was not the common light, which allflesh can see; nor was it simply a greater one of the same sort, asif the light of day were to grow brighter and brighter, and floodall space. It was not like that light, butdifferent, yea, very different from all earthly lightwhatever.　　Nor was it above my mind in the same way as oil is abovewater, or heaven above earth, but it was higher, because it mademe, and I　　was below it, because I was made by it. Hewho knows the Truth knows that Light, and he who knows it knowseternity. Love knows it, O Eternal Truth and TrueLove and Beloved Eternity! Thou art my God, towhom I sigh both night and day. When I first knewthee, thou didst lift me up, that I might see that there wassomething to be seen, though I was not yet fit to see it.And thou didst beat back the weakness of mysight, shining forth upon me thy dazzling beams of light, and Itrembled with love and fear.　　I realized that I was far away from thee in the land ofunlikeness, as if I heard thy voice from on high: "I am the food ofstrong men; grow and you shall feed on me; nor shall you change me,like the food of your flesh into yourself, but you shall be changedinto my likeness." And I understood that thou chastenest man forhis iniquity, and makest my soul to be eaten away as though by aspider.[204] And I said, "Is Truth, therefore,nothing, because it is not diffused through space -- neither finitenor infinite?" And thou didst cry to me fromafar, "I am that I am."[205] And I heard this, asthings are heard in the heart, and there was no room for doubt.I should have more readily doubted that I amalive than that the Truth exists -- the Truth which is "clearlyseen, being understood by the things that are made."[206]　　CHAPTER XI　　17. And I viewed all the other things thatare beneath thee, and I realized that they are neither wholly realnor wholly unreal. They are real in so far asthey come from thee; but they are unreal in so far as they are notwhat thou art. For that is truly real whichremains immutable. It is good, then, for me tohold fast to God, for if I do not remain in him, neither shallI　　abide in myself; but he, remaining in himself, renews allthings.　　And thou art the Lord my God, since thou standest in no needof my goodness.　　CHAPTER XII　　18. And it was made clear to me that allthings are good even if they are corrupted. Theycould not be corrupted if they were supremely good; but unless theywere good they could not be corrupted. If theywere supremely good, they would be incorruptible; if they were notgood at all, there would be nothing in them to be corrupted.For corruption harms; but unless it coulddiminish goodness, it could not harm. Either,then, corruption does not harm -- which cannot be -- or, as iscertain, all that is corrupted is thereby deprived of good.But if they are deprived of all good, they willcease to be. For if they are at all and cannot beat all corrupted, they will become better, because they will remainincorruptible. Now what can be more monstrousthan to maintain that by losing all good they have become better?If, then, they are deprived of all good, theywill cease to exist. So long as they are,therefore, they are good.　　Therefore, whatsoever is, is good. Evil,then, the origin of which I had been seeking, has no substance atall; for if it were a substance, it would be good.For either it would be an incorruptible substanceand so a supreme good, or a corruptible substance, which could notbe corrupted unless it were good. I　　understood, therefore, and it was made clear to me that thoumadest all things good, nor is there any substance at all not madeby thee. And because all that thou madest is notequal, each by itself is good, and the sum of all of them is verygood, for our God made all things very good.[207]

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